Well!

There have probably been at least five episodes of this show that left me thinking, “Well, now Walt’s really evil.” Just when you think our antihero has crossed every line he could possibly cross, he goes just a little bit further.

Or, in the case of this week, he goes a lot further.

But that’s only the beginning. “Gliding Over All” is the most epic Breaking Bad episode yet, which isn’t to say it contains one of the huge, iconic water cooler moments the series has become famous for. That happened last week, when Walt killed Mike. (And two weeks before that, with the death of the kid.) There’s no double plane crash, no Gus Fring face-melting — nothing so visceral as all that.

And yet, in its own way “Gliding Over All” feels like the most momentous Breaking Bad episode of them all. It’s a season finale, of sorts (technically a mid-season finale), but for many reasons, it feels more like the series finale, which I’m sure was the intent. After so carefully and richly laying out every twist and turn of these people’s lives over a one-year span (as we learned in “Fifty-One”), “Gliding Over All” is true to its title, gliding over so many events that this hour feels like a whole Breaking Bad season in and of itself. (Which makes sense, because if it took a little over four seasons to bring us to one year, the three months that pass here would be one season.)

Breaking Bad has always been, in so many ways, cinematic, but so much happens in this episode that it actually feels more like a movie, complete with full character arcs, than it does one episode of a TV series. In many ways, it would also be a satisfying last episode; one can imagine an alternate reality in which the series did end just this way — minus that final scene in the bathroom. (I suppose the series could have ended on that discovery, as frustrating as that would be. I wouldn’t it put it past them.)

But since we know there are eight episode still to come next year, what seems like a (too) neat and tidy ending instead culminates in a cliffhanger, one we know doesn’t bode well for any of these characters. The main focus of the series may be the relationship between Walt and Jesse, but the biggest built-in tension has always been Hank as DEA agent and Walt as meth-maker extraordinaire. Just like in a series based on the romantic tension between two leads, we know this show can’t continue long after Walt’s secrets are laid bare, and so now we have it. Breaking Bad is hurtling toward its inevitable end.

(In a year.)“Gliding Over All” begins with a close-up on a fly, an obvious callback to the Season Three bottle episode “Fly,” directed by Rian Johnson, one of the series’ most memorable hours. It’s the first of many shout-outs to previous episodes, which is one of the reasons “Gliding Over All” feels so much like a series finale. Series finales tend to tip the hat to all the stuff viewers loved about the show’s run, and this one certainly does that, both visually and narratively.

As expected, “Gliding Over All” proves that Walt is indeed cleaning up the mess he made of Mike the Cleaner himself, with help from his new protege. It kicks off with an “oh shit!” moment, as Jesse nearly walks in on them disposing of the body. Walt leads Jesse to believe that Mike got away, then coldly kicks him to the curb as punishment for abandoning the business they built together. (And we get a visual reference to the end of “Hazard Pay,” with Walt again shutting the garage door on Jesse.)

Then Walt meets with Lydia, a scene that recalls Mike’s first meeting with her back in “Madrigal.” She’s drinking her precious tea, once again concerned about how their meeting “looks” to outside observers, while Walt (and formerly Mike) could not give less of a fuck. Walt walks in looking super Heisenberg-y in his hat and sunglasses, and Lydia again proves herself one savvy savage, always with a moneymaking scheme at the ready to barter in exchange for her life. Good thing for her — the brilliant button on the scene reveals that Walt was about to slip her the ricin, yet another callback to Breaking Bads past. (Apparently hauling a lily-of-the-valley into the cafe was improbable.) Walt pretends not to go for her scheme, but we know he will. He’s never erred on the side of caution, especially when there’s a lot of money to be made, and since all of his personal relationships are now severed, a big dirty pile of cash is all he’s got to live for.

Sidenote: I must confess, again, that I love Lydia. Breaking Bad is not a show that brazenly adds new characters — with few exceptions (the dearly departed Mike being a major one), we’ve mostly watched the same group of people since the very beginning. The addition of Lydia, I think, was a brilliant move to breathe some fresh air into the series, since she’s totally different than any other character who’s appeared on the show. (She’s a bit like Marie, but only if Marie was heartlessly evil.) Lydia’s pleased that Mike is dead, and she also seems to admire Walt for killing Gus (and we know how proud he is of that accomplishment). She isn’t driven by revenge like Gus, has none of Mike’s morals. In other words, Lydia is one bad bitch.

Like Walt, Lydia is motivated entirely by making money, and this scene makes it clear that Walt and Lydia are a match made in Hell. I half-expected some sort of skeezy sexual hate-fuck relationship to develop between them, but there’s no time for that. Instead, they’re busy distributing blue to the Czech Republic, since apparently 5% of the population uses meth. (Yikes!) And yet I wonder if maybe Walt and Lydia are a little too much alike. We can’t be sure what drives Lydia toward her dubious financial goals, but this much greed and ambition will not likely end in mutual trust and friendship.

And while we’re on the subject of the soulless, Todd doesn’t even bat an eye at the death of Mike, a man he worked closely. Yes, we already saw him kill a kid, but to not even react to Mike’s death? The guy clearly has something wrong with him.

So Walt sets another seemingly impossible plan into motion — offing all ten of Mike’s “guys,” some of whom have indeed started to turn against their former bread and butter. We see them dispatched in a rather brutal montage, one I found distasteful but not inappropriate. The cheerful music makes light of the demise of ten people, but Breaking Bad isn’t a series that takes death lightly. It’s Walt who’s taking it lightly. After agonizing over a number of deaths, including his rash decision to murder Mike last week, Walt has finally become so desensitized to murder that he orders this hit without hesitation. While it’s true these guys are criminals, Mike was willing to vouch for them, so they can’t be all bad. And yet all die in horrifying ways, all because Walt said so. While Walt has committed several irredeemable acts, including his unforgivable sin from last week’s “Say My Name,” in “Gliding Over All” he finally becomes the sadistic Scarface-type he’s always selling himself as (but several shades more complex). The transformation is finally complete.

Which may be, in part, why we are reminded so often of previous episodes. We are constantly aware of how far we’ve come with all of these characters, Walt especially. Now, when we see Walt playing with his infant daughter as news of his ten-person killing spree plays the background, we just want to snatch poor Holly and run as far as we can away from this man. Her father.

All that is plenty exciting, and would make for a solid if not mind-blowing episode on its own. But we’re only midway through “Gliding Over All.” We get another montage, one that takes us three months into the future — on some shows that wouldn’t be so momentous, but on Breaking Bad, it is. Todd becomes a suitable replacement for Jesse, Walt and Lydia make piles of money, Skyler launders said money, Saul drinks away his guilt, Holly takes her first steps. Big changes are happening for everyone — but what about Jesse? He’s not even in the montage, because he’s “out.” Though as we later learn, he’s the one character for whom nothing much at all changes. (Maybe that’s a blessing?)

In “Gliding Over All,” Walt achieves his material goal, which is having boundless Fring-like power and the bankroll that comes with it. After a brief interaction by the pool (a callback to this season’s submerged Skyler in “Fifty-One”), Skyler shows Walt that he is now the proud owner of a pile of money so bountiful it can’t even be laundered (or counted, for that matter). In a lesser series, it might feel like a cop-out to use a montage in this way, since it was only a few episodes back that we learned exactly why wealth meant so much to Walt. Now his goal has been achieved so easily — and yet, at such a cost. The kids? Gone. Jesse? Gone. Skyler? Gone, in spirit, at least. So where does that leave Walt?

At the hospital, apparently. It’s left ambiguous, but I assume Walt’s received bad news, considering the major changes he makes in his life after (and the pills we saw him take in the flash-forward from “Live Free Or Die”). After spotting the paper towel dispenser he punched back in Season Two (yet another homage to the past — and a nice reminder that Walt’s angry outbursts of violence have an ever-lasting impact), Walt pays Jesse a visit.

One of the biggest surprises of Season Five is what a small role Jesse has played, considering. Jesse has been a pivotal part of every other season, and last season, he really came into his own, proving to Gus and Mike that he was capable even without the guidance of Walt. He even became something of a threat to his beloved Mr. White, and Walt’s betrayal of Jesse in poisoning Brock seemed to suggest more to come in Season Five.

Instead, Jesse has taken a backseat. He had a couple brilliant ideas (“Yeah, bitch! Magnets!”) and his confrontation with Walt last week was plenty meaty, but none of the major storylines have really involved Mr. Pinkman. This isn’t a complaint, mind you, as much as I love the character — I’m sure the final eight episodes will give him plenty to do. For now, though, the sad fact of the matter is, Jesse isn’t a big part of Walt’s life.

What we do get of Jesse here is a heartbreaking scene in which we can clearly read his distrust of his former mentor. He won’t even answer the door until he has a gun handy. (Walt is the “one who knocks,” after all — and his knock here is full of foreboding.) Walt’s reason for stopping by is to wax nostalgic about the RV (callback number #846, approximately) and deliver a big pile of cash. Money-grubbing Walt is finally able to part with his precious green.

Then he tells Skyler he’s out.

What? Just like that?

And that’s what I mean about “Gliding Over All” being a series finale. It was a cancer diagnosis that got Walt into this mess in the first place, and yet this second (presumed) diagnosis is what motivates a long-awaited decision to get out. Already the Walt who decided to kill ten men he didn’t even know to save his own hide earlier in this episode feels like a distant memory. And if Breaking Bad were a more mediocre show, perhaps it would end like this, allowing Walt to complete this arc and redeem himself so cheaply.

The episode ends with one of the most uncomfortable Breaking Bad scenes I’ve ever seen. It’s a happy sunny day at the White residence, with Walter Jr. playing with Holly, Skyler and Marie blabbing about hair care, and Walt and Skyler exchanging a smile as they sip wine poolside. If you have half a brain, your brain is screaming, “Danger! Danger!”

Because clearly this mid-season finale won’t end with fun in the sun and leave it at that. We haven’t jumped forward three months just to see Holly zoom around in a plastic car. Something terrible is going to happen, so throughout the final half of this episode, we’re just waiting for it. Will some long-forgotten bad guy show up and shoot Marie? Hank? Walt Jr.? Will the police burst in and arrest Walt?

As it turns out, it’s nothing so broad as that. It turns out the most iconic moment thus far in Season Five may be Hank, on the toilet, selecting some life-altering reading material. Who’d have thought? (Walt Whitman and Walter White share the same initials, after all, and it’s a Walt Whitman poem that gives this episode its title.)

I will confess that “Gliding Over All” cheats a bit by implying that everything would be hunky-dory if only Hank hadn’t felt the urge to have a bowel movement at this precise moment; Walt has killed too many people to go back to being the mild-mannered family man, and I’m not sure his ego is so easily tamed. Is he really out? What about his pride? What about Lydia? What about all those Czech people hooked on blue? Walt Whitman poem or no Walt Whitman poem, there’s no way things would end this neatly. (And it’s a stretch to believe that Skyler could forgive and forget so easily, either.)

It’s a bit of manipulation on the part of Vince Gilligan & co., a false sense of security when, really, this show has already proven that such a happy ending is impossible. This may serve as the series finale for those who like happy endings, who want to see Walt get off scot-free. Turn it off as soon as Hank gets up to go to the bathroom and you’ll be satisfied.

For the rest of us, things are going from bad to worse very rapidly, we can assume. As of this moment, Hank only has a hunch, and no actual proof, that Walt is Heisenberg, so I’m willing to bet he spends a few episodes testing theories and gathering evidence. Will he tell Marie? For the sake of her inevitable freakout, I hope so.

No matter what’s to come, “Gliding Over All” is a riveting hour of television — and a painful one. Few episodes of TV have made me feel so thoroughly like I’ve been on a complete journey, and for all its callbacks to the past, this one stands out as a distinctly different episode than any other. I found hard to watch (and impossible to look away), as we see Walt at both his most cold and callous, and then witness him taking a belated stab at redemption.

Though there were two episodes this season that didn’t fully do it for me, overall Season Five continued Breaking Bad‘s reign as one of the greatest television dramas of all time, with a handful of episodes still ranking as near-flawless hours of TV. Credit “Gliding Over All” for giving me that series finale comedown without actually being the end.

I can’t wait for the next episode!

And yet, I have to.

Grade: A+

*

“Tread lightly.”

One episode into the new season (okay, technically, new half-season) of Breaking Bad, we’ve already got our latest lingo from AMC’s stellar series, the one I’d claim is the best currently on television. The series occasionally gifts us with such turns of phrase — “I am the danger,” “I fucked Ted,” “the one who knocks,” “magnets, bitch!” and so on — that end up becoming a kind of shorthand for fans to communicate with each other and hashtag and meme. “Tread lightly” may not sound like much out of context, but you can bet we’ll be reconsidering those words a few episodes from now, or whenever the Walt vs. Hank showdown reaches its inevitable boiling point. Up until now, Walt has treaded lightly enough to avoid detection, but is Hank capable of doing the same? Is it really wise for him to do so? Or could it get him killed?

Breaking Bad itself is a show that treads lightly, all things considered. Rather than explosive confrontations, characters speak in code. Hank and Walt have a key interaction in this episode, but if “Blood Money” was the first episode of Breaking Bad you’d ever watched, would you have any idea what the dynamic between them was? Unlikely. “Tread lightly” is as much a threat as Heisenberg needs to give the DEA agent who’s been doggedly hunting him for a year now, not the sort of explosive outburst you’d expect between a criminal mastermind and an agent of the law in any standard crime thriller.

But Breaking Bad is a light treader, trusting its viewers to pick up on and relish in the less-is-more approach to suspense and drama. It is one of few shows that rewards careful watching and rewatching, that demands a faithful and intelligent audience, that refuses to dumb itself down for anyone who might be flipping channels and stumble upon the greatest show on TV. Somehow, Breaking Bad manages to tread lightly and still leave maximum impact. The lighter it treads, the more we’re on the edge of our seat, just waiting for it to all come crashing down as we’ve always known it must.

And with just seven episodes to go, it’s finally going to happen. Soon.

Breaking Bad‘s eight episode denouement kicks off with “Blood Money,” a curious title — because there are several episodes of this series that could just as easily be called “Blood Money.” In fact, you could retitle the entire series Blood Money and it’d make perfect sense. It’s Jesse’s storyline that informs the title, as guilt and boredom gnaw away at him until he rashly decides to relinquish his fortune to the survivors of two of Walt’s victims — Drew Sharp and Mike the Cleaner. Yes, Jesse has put the pieces together and guessed that Walt offed Mike, and even when Mr. White lies to his face and swears that The Cleaner is alive and well, it doesn’t look like Jesse’s buying what Walt is selling anymore. Of course, Jesse’s plan to buy his way out of culpability is half-cocked — Mike’s granddaughter has already lost her future millions twice, and there’s not much Jesse can do to get the money to her now. And Drew Sharp’s parents don’t want a few million dropped in their laps, they want to know how and why their little boy disappeared. If Jesse really wanted to redeem himself, he’d find a way to tell them. (And maybe, just maybe, that’s where his character is headed — turning himself in to bring down Walt and company.)

Clearly Jesse wants to get rid of this money more than he cares how it disappears, which is how he ends up driving down a street in a bad neighborhood and throwing cash into strangers’ yards. Jesse effectively got himself out of the meth-making business and returned to a meaningless life with his doofy buddies, whiling away his hours getting high and staring into space in a poorly-decorated house. It doesn’t look like he’s spent a single dime of that money, because what does Jesse Pinkman want anymore? Deep down, he’s kind of a sweet guy and arguably the moral center of the show, despite some obvious flaws and transgressions. But he’s got nothing. Left to his own devices with too much freedom and a hefty load of emotional baggage, he’s wasting his life. Maybe we want to see Jesse reach some kind of happy ending by the series finale, but the careless Jesse of “Blood Money” isn’t really a guy we can put much stock in. If this is the best Jesse can do with himself, do we really care if he survives?

“Blood Money” begins with another flash-forward, even more tantalizing than the one we got at the beginning of Season Five last summer. Walt returns to the White residence and it looks like a century has passed (really, it’s less than a year) — the place has been closed up and turned into a makeshift skate park for restless teens. Most tellingly, someone has spray-painted “Heisenberg” on one of the walls inside, so now it’s clear: the world knows. (Walt’s neighbor Carol sure does, as a bunch of bruised oranges will attest.)

So it all comes into focus. The last eight episodes of Breaking Bad will unveil how the world finds out who Heisenberg is, as Walt’s public persona and secret identity finally merge. Only a handful of characters have been privy to both so far, and only Skyler really had to reckon with that dichotomy. (Jesse was witness to the gradual creation of Heisenberg, so there was no moment of realization.) Of course, Hank is the major player to spell trouble for such a revelation, and we knew at the end of last season that he’d put the pieces together. I surmised that it would take two or three episodes for Hank to work out the clues and be confident in his unmasking of the legendary meth-maker, but Vince Gilligan & co. clearly know that they don’t have much time to fuck around, and “Blood Money” gets right to the confrontation we’ve known was coming ever since that very first episode. (Because you don’t create a show about a drug kingpin with a DEA agent for a brother-in-law and then not pay that off.) It’s the sort of showdown that, theoretically, might not have occurred until the very last episode, but the show’s writers love milking every last ounce of suspense out of such a storyline. So the cards are finally on the table between these two. (Brilliant moment: Walt throwing up at the very same toilet that played such a prominent role in “Gliding Over All,” and realizing his Leaves Of Grass is missing.)

Hank knows. Walt knows that Hank knows. And in that final scene, Hank knows that Walt knows that Hank knows. It would have made some sense for the two to have a fight to the death right there, but Breaking Bad prefers to — yes — tread lightly. And so this show will bide its time until it can surprise and delight us at how these two move against each other from here. Will Walt make an attempt on Hank’s life? (We know he hasn’t used the ricin as of that flash-forward, so he’d need to get at him another way.) It’s unclear how Hank will proceed — even if he has enough evidence to convince the DEA that Walt is Heisenberg, could he admit to being so incompetent that he had his sworn enemy right under his nose this whole time? My guess is Hank will attempt to resolve this without the aid of his employers, and that will end up being a mistake. Last season Mike was the character in the Breaking Bad universe with a target on his back, and look how that turned out. This season, it’s clearly Hank.

If there’s one obvious flaw in Breaking Bad‘s current trajectory, it’s Skyler. Last season’s finale jumped forward a few months and gave us Skyler White smiling at her murderous, money-grubbing tyrant of a hubby. The same man she desperately wanted to hide her kids from. The man she half-heartedly attempted suicide to escape from. The man she explicitly said she wanted to die of cancer at his birthday party. Yes, Walt quit his sinister business, but he still did a whole lot of bad things — some of which Skyler knows about. That she could sweep this under the rug so easily feels a bit incongruous with how hard she took the news in last year’s episodes, and how terrified and repulsed she was of him. We didn’t get enough of a glimpse at how she managed to overcome this revulsion in order to buy her transformation into a woman who seems pretty well-adjusted to a post-criminal life.

Walt and Skyler wear beige to work, looking like the least threatening people on the planet; if this visual is to be believed, they’re a team now. Skyler even shoos off the skittish Lydia in a delicious little interaction after Lydia tries to pull Walt back into her hellish trade. Skyler’s not having that. She apparently believes the worst is behind them, because she isn’t aware of all the loose ends we know about. She’s seemingly fine with blood money so long as the blood’s not being shed anymore. (Unlike Jesse, still haunted by the red all over his green… thanks to their blue.) And Walter? Well, blood money’s just fine for him. He no longer sees the blood — to him, it’s just money.

“Blood Money” also confirms what the first half of the season hinted at — Walt’s cancer has indeed returned. It’s probably the reason he allowed himself to quit while he was ahead as meth manufacturer, and why he won’t rejoin Lydia even though she promises more of his favorite thing in the world — money. (Well, his very favorite thing is probably an ego boost, but when was the last time anyone paid him a compliment?) Irony of ironies, it may be Walt’s cancer that saves him from the consequences of his many nefarious actions; as he tells Hank, he may not live long enough to ever see the inside of a jail cell… so what’s the point of busting him? Yet as we see in this episode, people will find out who Heisenberg is, and if next-door Carol’s reaction is any indication, he won’t be seen as a meek cancer patient who made a few wrong turns, but as the cold-blooded killer he is.

And that’s pretty interesting, because while we’ve often wondered what would happen if various characters found out the truth about mild-mannered Mr. White — Skyler, Walter Jr., Hank, Marie — we haven’t so much thought about what will happen if everyone knows who he is. More than anything, Walt wants respect and admiration. He told Skyler that he wanted to be feared, but does he really? Does Walter White see it as a victory when a kindly neighbor drops her groceries in terror at the mere sight of him? I don’t think so. It’s a nice case of “be careful what you wish for,” and also a paradox. To the criminal world, Walt wants to be Heisenberg, the badass who can’t be fucked with, the killer of Gus Fring and anyone else who stands in his way, porkpie hat and all.

But to everyone else, Walt still wants to be the hero. A loving father, a devoted husband… a good man. Walt’s never been willing to give that up, and now that he’s facing a likely (or certain?) death at the hands of his cancer, his legacy must be forefront on his mind. Is that what he’s fighting to preserve now? Will he take Hank’s life merely to salvage what’s left of a good reputation? So that his children will never know their father’s true, dark colors?

Well, as that flash-forward indicates, it’s unlikely that anyone in this show will end up not knowing the truth about Mr. White. He’s got his guns, he’s got his ricin… and yet it’s unclear what he’s fighting for, since he’s lost his family and his good name. He can’t be fighting for his life, because the cancer has taken that, too. So what else is there? What means enough to Walter White that, at the end of this series, he still has some unknown enemy out there to kill? Is it an act of self-defense? Or, more plausibly, one of revenge? Maybe even an act of heroism, if someone who once mattered to him is in peril?

We’ll see as the next seven weeks unfold. Until then, “Blood Money” is a satisfying opener with a killer flash-forward and a hell of a showdown between Walt and Hank at the end, however lightly it treads. The stuff in between is solid, if a bit unremarkable — we’ve seen guilty and inert Jesse so many time in this series, his role in this episode didn’t really break new ground, and I’m still not sure Skyler from Season Five Part One really connects with Skyler from Season Five Part Two. Before the series ends, I’d really like to see both Marie and Walter Jr. break out of their shells, so to speak, since these characters have changed so little over the course of the series. I want to see something new from them, and with so few episodes to go, I can’t help but be a little impatient at seeing them playing the same old beats here.

That isn’t to say that I’m disappointed in this episode. Just that, when it comes to jaw-dropping Breaking Bad moments in Season Five, I think the best is yet to come.

Grade: B+

*

“Am I under arrest?!”

We had no idea what we were in for with the final half of the final season of Breaking Bad. Well… we had a pretty good idea of a few things we’d see — Hank confronting Walt about his meth-making, Marie learning the truth about her brother-in-law, Jesse pulling further away from his former mentor — we just didn’t know when these things might happen, or exactly how.

It was a surprise to many viewers in last week’s “Blood Money” that Hank and Walt’s conversation got as heated as it did, laying all the cards on the table — Hank knows without a doubt that Walt is Heisenberg, and Walt knows that he knows. Breaking Bad is a series that often teases such things out over multiple episodes or even seasons, rarely giving us the explosive confrontations we expect, but rather finding clever ways around conflicts we think are coming right up. One example? The death of young Drew Sharp. His shooting at the end of “Dead Freight” was one of Breaking Bad‘s signature “Oh shit!” moments, and many of us thought the subsequent episodes would have a major fallout from that. Would the boy’s death lead the police to discover the methylamine heist and connect this crime to Heisenberg? Would it cause the group to turn on Todd? Or would Jesse and/or Mike turn on Walt?

As it turned out, there weren’t many direct consequences from the death of a little boy. It was certainly a factor in Mike and Jesse abandoning ship, but not the factor. And so far, the police are in the dark. (Though that could change now that Jesse is in custody.) My point is, Breaking Bad often delays or even avoids the consequences we imagine will follow a major event. Walt’s first half-assed attempt on Gus Fring’s life (trying to walk up to his front door and shoot him) was not immediately followed by Gus attempting to take him out; Ted’s injury did not immediately lead to a change of heart from Skyler or some power play from Ted. Fittingly, Breaking Bad is all about the slow burn… or has been, up until now.

With only a handful of episodes left, the return of Season Five has wasted no time in getting right to the showdowns we always knew were in store. “Blood Money” gave us Walt versus Hank, whereas “Buried” is essentially all about Skyler. Here she has a lot to answer for with Hank and especially her sister, and she gets a meaty scene with each of them as the ugly truth is finally dug up for (almost) all too see. Like her husband, Skyler White is all about appearances — being good isn’t as important as looking good to the outside world. Aside from her children, no one’s opinion matters more than Hank and Marie’s, and Skyler really blows it when it comes to defending herself in any way as she is asked to explain with the twisted knot of deceit she concocted with her husband. (Suddenly that “script” she wrote in “Bullet Points,” designed to fool Hank and Marie into thinking Walt was a gambler, seems extra calculated and cruel.)

Hank truly gives her the benefit of the doubt, even if Skyler correctly assesses that he’s more concerned with nabbing Heisenberg than he is with his sister-in-law’s well-being. Skyler probably could have played the sympathy card, pleaded innocent, and at least saved her own good image (since it’s far too late for her husband’s). She might even have been able to get away with money laundering if she claimed that she thought that gambling story was true… especially if Walt went along with this and took the fall. (Something he might actually be willing to do. Discuss.) Instead, Skyler has one of her amazing Tourette freak-outs, repeating “Am I under arrest?” at an increasing volume until she has alerted the entire diner that something is not quite right with the lady in beige. Granted, Skyler is competent enough not to give Hank a recorded statement (or any information), especially not without a lawyer present. (Better call Saul!) But the way she leaves certainly won’t work in her favor; instead of trying to buy some time and at least keep Marie in the dark, she runs off and leaves her fate in Hank’s shaky hands.

Hank, then, returns to Marie and tells all. (Off-screen, unfortunately. I might have liked to see that.) Marie goes to Skyler looking for a denial, but instead gets basically the same silent treatment Hank did. But Marie is quicker to assume that her sister was complicit in Walt’s scheme, much more complicit than Hank believed. That Skyler’s secret nearly got her husband killed is the tipping point for Marie, who slaps Skyler in a nice moment of decisive action for a character who has for so long sat on the sidelines. I expected her to take a little knick-knack on her way out of the White residence, but instead her kleptomania flared up in a bigger way and she tried to take Holly. It was a teriffic display of Skyler’s transformation over the past few months — not long ago, she was the one desperate to get Holly over to Hank and Marie’s because she felt this house wasn’t safe. “Buried,” then, is the episode when Skyler White finally plants herself on the dark side. Just like when Walt learned he was in remission and no longer needed his meth bucks to pass on to his family, Skyler can no longer claim to be a victim in this. She’s making a choice to stay with Walt.

But why?

It’s hard to say precisely what is running through Skyler’s mind here, because for an episode that centers around her, she doesn’t say much. You can see her struggling to speak, especially in that tense confrontation with Marie, but she gets so few words out. The explanation is — drumroll, please! — “Buried” inside her. We see so many excuses trying to fight their way out, and yet Skyler knows that each of them is hollow. At every turn, she made the decision she felt was best for her family in one way or another. But now that she’s confronted with them all stacked up, looking at them in hindsight, it doesn’t seem like such a smart way to go. But she made these choices, and she’s stuck with that. After Walt collapses from his post-money burial fatigue, Skyler delivers a speech that is reminiscent of Walt’s words to Hank in “Blood Money,” suggesting that their best course of action is to “stay quiet.” (Or is that “tread lightly”?)

Skyler has clearly become a Lady Macbeth, and the way she takes care of Walt shows that there’s still a lot of love left for him despite the hatred she displayed in the first part of the season. I’m not sure that Breaking Bad has really bridged the gap between fearful, desperate-to-get-out Skyler from a few months ago and Skyler now. After you’ve told your husband you hope he dies of cancer, it’s hard to come back from that. When, exactly, did Skyler flip that switch? Sure, Walt is all she has now, and if she doesn’t stick with him, she may very well land in jail alongside him. But this Skyler doesn’t seem that torn. She isn’t a woman who would rather come clean, but can’t because she’s afraid. She seems relatively content to stand by her man, and never even flirts with the idea of turning him in. Now the show has drawn a divisive line — it’s Walt and Skyler vs. Hank and Marie. We didn’t expect all this to happen so soon, but there’s still a lot of story to tell this season.

“Buried” also unearths storylines for two other major players, Jesse and Lydia. In an episode in which Walt literally buries millions of dollars (the title’s most literal source), there is a continuation of Jesse’s “Blood Money” joyride that saw him tossing stacks of money out his car window like a paperboy who just won the lottery. One old man finds many of the spoils and then finds Jesse himself, spinning on a merry-go-round like a demented toddler — he’s going ’round, though he’s anything but merry. It seems success doesn’t agree with Jesse Pinkman — he was much happier as a low-life loser. Money has ruined him, as it has done to Walt and now Skyler. If this show has a villain, maybe that’s it: money.

Walt and Jesse once coveted money because they didn’t have it and felt they needed it — now it’s an unwanted burden, as both have more money than they can spend. Jesse’s is “blood money,” something he feels guilty about, while Walt’s is more of a nuisance — evidence against him and Skyler, if found. He makes Skyler promise to keep the money so that his “empire business” wasn’t all for nothing, but of course, it was. It must be assumed that Walt Jr. will find out about his father’s legacy, and even if he could somehow get his hands on that money eventually, do you think he’d take it? It’s the same gift Mike wanted to leave behind for his granddaughter, but it’s hard to imagine these kids growing up and actually wanting this money. (Not to mention that millions dropped in a young adult’s lap are not likely to be saved and spent wisely.) I imagine a spin-off show 18 years from now, with Holly White and Kaylee Ehrmantraut buying a mansion in Beverly Hills together. Mike, Walt, and now Skyler seem to be completely on the wrong page about what children need from their parents. Blood money isn’t it.

So Walt’s whole reason for doing this — greed — has basically yielded a lot of money that nobody can use and nobody wants. For the time being, Walt is a legitimate car wash owner, but that doesn’t mean Heisenberg’s product (or a cheaper facsimile) isn’t still moving, which is where Lydia comes in. Wearing a blue coat that aligns her with that deadly product, Lydia drops by to “check up” on the operation and ends up wiping out Declan and his men with some help from Todd and the neo-Nazi bunch (while she hides in a “Buried” bus). So Lydia’s officially a badass bitch — albeit a badass bitch who can’t stand the sight of a dead body.

And with Declan out of the way, are we led to believe that future Walt needs his heavy artillery to fight of the very neo-Nazis who proved so helpful to him in “Gliding Over All”? I’m not sure who else he’d be fighting, since it’s hard to imagine Walt in a police standoff. This means that Lydia could be Walt’s nemesis in the final episodes, if she has the white supremacists in her corner. Of course, for now, she’s going to be in the market for another cook, though Walt has turned her down once already. Hmm…

“Buried” isn’t an episode that immediately stands out as one of Breaking Bad‘s best. While a number of moments are satisfying — Marie slapping Skyler, Lydia’s ruthless massacre, and the final scene with Hank about to confront Jesse in hopes of getting the dirt on Heisenberg — none of them quite achieve water cooler status. And that’s fine. The more I reflect on “Buried,” the richer I find it, mainly because Skyler’s choices in it are so fascinating. It’s very reminiscent of “Fifty-One,” thanks to its focus on a near-catatonic Mrs. White, but it’s a radical departure in terms of where Skyler’s loyalties lie. This is a character who has struggled with her morals for so long, and now she finally makes some peace with where she’s landed. It’s almost touching, in a way, to see her stick with Walt in a moment when she might just as easily walk away. Of course, it also might be sealing her fate in a bad way.

Hank and Marie’s discovery has long been a promise we knew Breaking Bad would deliver on, and now that it has, perhaps it’s only natural to want a little more out of these scenes. Hank hit Walt, Marie slapped Skyler, but at the moment, the Whites are still out of harm’s way and out of jail. Walt Jr.’s reaction is on the horizon, but despite some emotional confrontations, the status quo has been maintained.

We know that won’t last — the family pool becomes a skate park roughly nine months from now — yet I can’t help but feel that there could have been a little more juice in “Buried,” given that there are now only six episodes to go.

Then again, the fact that the series got such long-awaited confrontations “out of the way” so early means that there’s room for plenty more excitement that we don’t know is coming.

Grade: B+

One of my many procrastination-friendly pastimes is perusing the Google searches that lead people to this very website. Sometimes people seem to come here and find exactly what they’re looking for — a music video, perhaps, or my insights on the latest Terrence Malick movie.

More often, they are looking for naked pictures of somebody.

My reviews of Magic Mike and Rust And Bone are some of my most popular entries, and it’s probably not because they both ended up on my Top 10 list last year. It’s because those movies have sexy pictures to go along with them, and people who use Google are, apparently, very horny. Sometimes I wonder if I am the most masturbated-to amateur film blogger in the world.

There’s nothing like a Google search to reveal the dark side of humanity, which is some of the reason why there are a disturbing amount of searches regarding Joan’s rape on Mad Men and lots of people who want to see Marion Cotillard without clothes and legs. Plus, there really isn’t a single celebrity out there who someone doesn’t want to see naked… yes, including the cast of Amour.

I occasionally like to share some of my very favorite, most head-scratchingest Google searches with my readers.

So here you go:

“virgin broken fuck” — 1

No clue what this could mean. But I hope they never found what they were looking for.

“sarah michelle gellar nip i know what you did summer” — 1

I have seen that movie approximately 400 times and I am pretty sure there isn’t much to see in the way of nipples.

“gypsy gay men boner pictures” — 1

There isn’t a Tumblr for gypsy boners yet? Well, why not?

“movie about a kid walking around with a tambourine and a mute old guy” — 1

This is actually a pretty perfect description of the plot of Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, a movie I am still astounded was nominated for Best Picture.

“i didnt understand cabin in the woods” — 1

Didn’t understand it? This isn’t exactly 2001: A Space Odyssey. It’s all pretty straightforward.

“new york city shallow superficial” — 1

Yeah, that’s fair. I can see why you might feel that way.

“i don’t have anyone i can talk to it’s so horrible i’m so sad” — 1

Yikes. I’m really sorry you feel that way. I hope my recap of this week’s Breaking Bad makes you feel better!

“nude multiple amputee ladies” — 1

I know it’s my own fault for posting that picture of Marion Cotillard from Rust And Bone, but still. Ew.

“nude sex scene in film amour, elderly” — 1

There is no nude sex scene in Michael Haneke’s Amour, you pervert!

“betty francis in shorts watching tv with boy holding hands” — 1

You have to admire a Googler who knows exactly what they want to see and will stop at nothing to find it.

“nude photos at the time of sex” — 1

Huh? Is this some sort of a sequel to Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s Love In The Time Of Cholera? Somehow, I doubt it.

“holly white breaking bad fanfic” — 1

Is there seriously fan fiction about Walt and Skyler’s infant daughter on Breaking Bad? Oh my GOD, people! Go outside and take a hike or something!!

“christopher nolan shirtless” — 1

Wow. Yeah. We’ll file that right next to the Guillermo Del Toro jerk off video.

“glenn close! oscar-nominated role as 19th century irish woman-in-drag albert nobbs” — 2

If you already know the title of the movie, why the hell are you including all that excess information?

“ass magic” — 2

That could mean so many things, and yet I don’t want to know about any of them.

“zoe kazan legs” — 2

Yep, Zoe Kazan has legs. Next question?

“dean norris naked” — 2

Really? I love me some Hank Schrader, but I’ve never had a strong urge to see him in the buff. Even sitting on the toilet was almost too much.

“was rose byrne in romy and michele’s high school reunion” — 2

No! She wasn’t! But she does look a lot like Julia Campbell, who played Christy Masters-Christianson, so it’s a fair question. Though I’m not sure why this had to be Googled, rather than a perusal of Rose Byrne’s filmography on iMDB.

“kathy bates nude pictures” — 2

I assure you, you will find no such thing on my website. Move along, please.

“any nude sex movies” — 2

Not picky at all, are we?

“movies set on the ocean” — 2

Hmm. Do you mean movies set in the ocean? Or perhaps Googling “movies set on boats” would be a smarter search? Not many movies take place directly on the ocean without some sort of craft in between.

“is skyler white ladyacbetj” — 2

Someone was trying to inquire whether or not Skyler White is Lady Macbeth, but had a stroke while they were typing. Someone should go check on this person.

“sex is zero fuck” — 2

I’m afraid I have to strongly disagree.

“goggle at gay boys on google” — 2

Nope, not a clue.

“mature gay lover in bed” — 2

Emotionally mature or physically mature? Please be more specific, Googler!

“mark zuckerberg nude naked” — 2

Pretty sure these photos don’t exist, and if they did, Mark Zuckerberg would probably erase the entire internet just to stop us from seeing them.

“what does brock look like in breaking bad” — 2

Seriously, this is what you Google? Hey, I know… why not try searching for pictures of this character?

“wife carrying by moon light + naked” — 2

No clothed wives carrying by moonlight, please. That just won’t do.

“eliza leatherpants” — 2

I assume this was someone hoping to see Eliza Dushku in leather pants, but without a space, this sounds either like a poorly-named Bond girl or possibly a character from a slightly risque children’s book.

“sexy nude sex” — 4

Unsexy nude sex? No thank you. I like my nude sex to be sexy, and so should you.

“mila kunis so hot” — 4

Fair enough, but what’s your point? Do you think adding a “so” will really pull up even sexier pictures of Mila Kunis?

“nude old men fuck” — 4

Are you sure you want to see that? Once you’ve seen it, it can’t be unseen…

“is thomas horn gay” — 5

I wondered the same thing when I was watching Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. Time will tell.

“adam arkin naked” — 5

Whatever floats your boat… but seriously?

“zero dark thirty better than argo” — 11

Whoever Googled this needs to drop me a line and become my new best friend.

“britni spirs” — 13

“Britney Spears” is still the most popular search on my site, but apparently you can find it even if all the vowels except “i” on your keyboard are broken. Remarkable!

“what the hell is melancholia about” — 14

Now this is a respectable inquiry. Much better than whoever didn’t understand Cabin In The Woods.

“garret dillahunt nude” — 14

People come to my site searching for all sorts of nude celebrities… but Garrett Dillahunt sure is a random one.

“madonna bouncing boobs” — 15

There are all kinds of “Madonna” and “boobs”-related searches that make their way to my site, but for boobs that are bouncing, you are clearly looking for Madge’s “Turn Up The Radio” video. You’re welcome.

“kesha feet” — 17

Um.

“betsy brandt nude” — 26

Do this many people really have a Marie Schrader fetish? Is Breaking Bad really such a sexy show? I’ve never gotten to the end of an episode and thought, “Man, I’d really love to see this entire cast nude…”

“rj mitte shirtless” — 28

Apparently people want to see Walt Jr. in the buff too. (To be fair, this blog now actually does have a photo of RJ Mitte shirtless, thanks to the main image.)

“i’m going to kill myself” — 50

It’s unfortunate that people are Googling this at all, and unfortunate that Googling this brings some people to my site. It’s possible that my review of Magic Mike was the last thing some people saw… perhaps my cinematic insights convinced them to change their minds? Don’t do it, people! At least not until you’ve seen every movie on every one of my Top Ten lists! See? There are things to live for…

*

“He really did a number on you, didn’t he?”

Hoo boy!

The final season (okay, half-season) of Breaking Bad is officially underway. There have been two pretty solid episodes so far, “Blood Money” and then “Buried,” both of which gave us scenes (and moments of hand-to-face contact) that have been a long time coming. This was good TV.

And yet… and yet… it wasn’t flat-out, no-holds-barred excellent TV, like the very best episodes of Breaking Bad. Most shows don’t air a single episode that can be called “excellent” (by my standards) in their entire run, but Breaking Bad has had several. There is not a single bad one in the bunch. (Even The Sopranos had a weak hour or two. That Christopher Columbus episode? Yikes.) I hate to nitpick Breaking Bad, but the show is so good that those chinks in the armor stand out all the more. At the beginning of this week’s episode, “Confessions,” I was all ready to gripe about how there may be too many cards laid out on the table now, because we’ve had so many scenes with angry people talking. But Breaking Bad isn’t a show about people saying what they feel — it’s about people who hide it. And we usually know so much more than the characters do, which is part of the fun.

That dynamic has shifted, though, now that the cat’s out of the bag with Hank and Marie. The Schrader vs. White confrontations were good, but I was starting to miss the way Breaking Bad so nimbly danced around any actual confession of what Walt’s been up to. There’s a lot of lying on this show. In fact, before “Blood Money,” when was the last time two characters interacted in which both of them had all the facts regarding the subject they’re discussing? It’s been a long while, I’d bet. As “Confessions” began, it seemed we were in for another round of the Schrader vs. White standoff, and I couldn’t help but feel that everyone was being a little too direct.

And then I continued watching the episode and had to shut the fuck up about that.

“Confessions” is the name of this episode, but it could also be the name of this season (okay, half-season) so far. In “Blood Money,” Walt and Hank found each other out. In “Buried,” Skyler was added to Scharder’s Most Wanted list. After four and a half seasons of secrets, secrets, and more secrets, this last string of episodes is when everybody found out everything about everyone else. And “Confessions” continued that trend. (And how!)

The series’ biggest built-in suspense factor has always been Hank as DEA agent, Walt as drug lord. We knew these courses would collide eventually, and then they did. In early seasons this was much more calculated and TV-ish, with Hank sniffing around Walt’s trail without quite putting the pieces together; in later seasons, it got a shade more complicated, especially when a drunk Walt put Hank back on Heisenberg’s trail just when he was ready to assume Gale was the mastermind behind everything. Walt and Hank’s garage confrontation in “Blood Money” was satisfying on one level; same with Marie delivering a much-deserved slap to Skyler in “Buried.”

At the same time, it wasn’t fully, absolutely, 100% satisfying to me — not by Breaking Bad standards — because this show has blown my mind on multiple occasions with twists I never saw coming. So far, the confrontations this season have taken place in a reasonably predictable fashion — which isn’t to say they weren’t well-written and well-executed, with superb acting as always. I was surprised that Walt was so direct with Hank so soon, surprised that Skyler so readily sided with her husband rather than hopping onto the moral high road alongside Hank and Marie. Yet none of this was truly blind-siding — it was, more or less, the kind of stuff we saw coming.

Early in “Confessions,” Hank interrogates Jesse, hoping he’ll spill the beans on Heisenberg. What a misleading episode title! The “confession” here is not Jesse Pinkman’s at all — he’s seen too many people die at Heisenberg’s sly hand to believe he’d get away with snitching. (The man has made it clear he can kill in prison.) Jesse doesn’t say a word, so Hank is free to join Skyler, Marie, and Walt for the unhappiest would-be meal of all time at a local Mexican restaurant. Have you ever seen four more miserable, sorrier-looking faces than the four at this table? Even their waiter realizes all is not well in this quartet.

After two episodes in which various Schrader vs. White scenarios played out, both couples reunite for what is likely the last of many dinners together — this one unlike any we’ve seen previously. Everyone here has an agenda. Hank wants Walt to confess, Skyler wants everyone to move on, Walt wants to ensure that he gets away scot-free… and Marie wants Walt to die. Marie has so often played the happy-go-lucky “normal” one in the family, representing a certain oblivious middle class mediocrity. Here, she finally gets to spit some venom, suggesting that Walt kill himself to get this all over with. (Her sister also wished death upon Walter not so long ago, though she’s changed her tune.)

Of course, Hank thinks that’s too easy a sentence for Heisenberg’s crimes, and we agree. Plus we’ve seen Walt go to such great lengths to preserve himself — we know he wouldn’t do that. The Whites are again in neutral, beige-y colors, just like all the rich folks at Elliot’s party way back when — Skyler’s even wearing a turtleneck, covering up the maximum amount of skin (and lies). She doesn’t say much throughout this, as has been her trademark in recent episodes, but the look on her face is enough. This is a juicy scene, fraught with tension, as four characters who have constantly lied to each other finally show who they really are. No one’s truly hiding anything here, though Walt is again using his children as an excuse for why he shouldn’t be punished. Because it might hurt them. (As if getting into the drug trade in the first place didn’t cause enough suffering.)

I loved this scene — perhaps more than any other scene in the past two episodes — and yet, still, I was left wanting more. Breaking Bad has always flirted with near-discoveries, the entire show built on what people didn’t know. It made many otherwise ordinary scenes so very tense. And now that these characters all know so much, I wondered if Breaking Bad was losing its way a little. Would the rest of the series really just be people talking about how angry they are? Would it be so direct? Would there be so few surprises? When Hank interrogates Jesse, he comes out and says it: he knows Heisenberg is his brother-in-law. It felt like a missed opportunity for a cleverer way to reveal this — since it is a pretty big revelation. It seemed symptomatic of a difference this season compared to those prior — the writers being less coy and careful, as if the looming deadline of a series finale caused them to abandon what makes the show so brilliant in the first place.

It was only a minor, nagging thought in the back of my mind. Still, I needn’t have worried. In the very next scene, Walt’s previously-recorded “confession” did exactly what I needed it to — something I never anticipated. Something that never even entered my mind. That Walt could somehow find a way to pin all his crimes on Hank? Unthinkable! And yet, in retrospect, it makes perfect sense. Hank’s the one with the inside info. He’s an intimidating blow-hard, especially when compared to Walt, the meek and bumbling cancer-stricken chemistry teacher. Suddenly Hank’s obsession with bringing Heisenberg down doesn’t seem like a guy just doing his job, but becomes a bit… curious.

Vince Gilligan and his writers aren’t big pre-planners — they don’t always know where a given season ends even when they’re beginning it. (Even Season Five isn’t quite as pre-planned as you might think.) Yet Walt threatening to pin Hank as Heisenberg feels like something that’s been worked into the show from the very beginning — it was Hank who suggested that first ride-along in the pilot, and Hank has been so close (but so far) to catching him ever since. With Walt’s “confession,” could the DEA really buy that Walt was right under Hank’s nose the whole time, and Hank didn’t quite piece it together until recently?

No. Walt’s mad genius strikes again, and strikes big. How else could he really escape his inevitable fate behind bars? What plan could be more devious than this? No one dies. No one gets hurt. (Except, obviously, emotionally.) It’s so obvious now that Walt’s dreamed it up, yet blaming Hank never for a second crossed my mind before he suggested it. Because who but Walter White could even think of such a thing? I somewhat doubt this was on Vince Gilligan’s mind all along, but now it feels like the show has always been building up to this. Like the very best moments of Breaking Bad, it’s inevitable and yet wholly surprising.

It’s a flat-out brilliant twist, one that sinks Walt into an even further depth of shittiness and still is consistent with all that came before. Walt again plays the victim, a role he plays very well when need be. He’s twisted his own evil around and attributed it to his well-meaning brother-in-law, in such a way that it actually is more believable that way. The lie is more convincing than the truth. Walt has rewritten his life before — notably, in the “script” he prepared with Skyler to explain his sudden riches in “Bullet Points,” and also when he used Skyler’s affair with Ted to make her the villain in their marriage. Walt has a knack for pinning the blame on other people, and something about him lets him get away with it almost every time.

I say “almost” because, as dynamite as Walt’s videotape is, it occurs less than halfway through an episode that isn’t nearly finished dropping bombhells. Walt may have wormed his way out of Hank’s clutches (for now), but past guilt trips are catching up to him. Walt once blamed the poisoning of a young boy on Gus Fring — a vicious killer, no foul there — except Jesse believed him, and thus Walt further abused his trust. Jesse almost caught Walt, but slick as ever, Walt managed to use “logic” to explain why it was Gus’ devious mind, not his own, that was responsible for Brock’s poisoning. In “Confessions,” Jesse finally calls Walt on his bullshit (which he’s been increasingly hip to), knowing that Walt dispatched of Mike before he was able to take that nice little vacation to Belize — and believing that Walt will do the same to him if he doesn’t disappear.

Yet Jesse stills takes Walt’s suggestion that he use that mysterious contact of Saul’s — the one who can help you with your Hoover Max Extract Pressure Pro Model 60 dust filter, or build you a whole new life if need be. Jesse knows that Walt’s suggestion is in his own best interest rather than Jesse’s, but Mr. White is right that his protege has no reason to stick around Santa Fe anymore. In fact, it’s best that he clear out while he can.

It’s nice to imagine Jesse living a brand new life in Alaska — starting a family, as Walt suggests ironically, given that he’s the one who scared Jesse away from the family he was starting with Brock and Andrea — but of course, it’s hard to imagine a particularly happy ending for any of these characters. When rightly accused of his manipulation, Walt merely embraces Jesse in a rare display of outright affection — and it’s to the show’s credit that you’re not entirely sure he isn’t about to shoot him in the gut right then and there. But no. Walt’s hug is genuine (I think), and though it is intended as one kind of good-bye, it ends up being another kind. For they will see each other again, quite soon — but the teacher-pupil dynamic is officially over.

Jesse is about to ship off to Alaska when his missing baggie of weed reminds him of another time something disappeared from his pocket in Huell’s presence. And he finally. Puts it. Together. (Which is almost too bad, because I’m curious about that guy who makes people disappear. Maybe he’ll pop back up when Walt finds himself in need of escape… to New Hampshire.) I thought Breaking Bad might actually say goodbye to Jesse for the next few episodes, but instead he gets wise to just how destructive Walt has been in his life (though still unaware of the Jane incident) and marches off, bent on revenge. The episode ends with him dumping gasoline all over the White residence. (Which we know can’t be too badly burned, since it’s still standing in the flash-forward.)

“Confessions” continues this season’s trend of laying the cards on the table, with Jesse finally finding out Walt’s biggest manipulation of him. Though Hank and Marie’s discovery of Heisenberg was inevitable, there was no true guarantee that Jesse would learn just what a shit Walt has been to him, yet now he has. And he isn’t taking it lying down. Three episodes in, Breaking Bad has seriously upped the ante, making this the first truly excellent episode of this season. (Okay, half-season.)

“He really did a number on you, didn’t he?” Hank asks Jesse when he’s seeking a confession. Neither, at this point, has any idea just what a number Walt has done on poor Pinkman. Their farewell scene shows that there is still some love in this complicated relationship, and it mirrors an even earlier scene in which Walt manipulates his actual biological son. Walter Jr. has never wised up to Walt’s bullshit, and he’s easily toyed with here as his father “confesses” that his cancer’s back just to get him to blow Marie off. (Poor, good-hearted Walter Jr.! How can things possibly end well for this kid?)

It took Jesse a while to catch on, too, but he finally did, and there’s more genuine feeling in Walt’s interaction with Jesse than there is with young Flynn. Walt has betrayed everyone in his life time and time again, and now almost every single one of them knows it. Skyler’s by his side for now, but she thinks his meth-making days are over and is still in the dark on the nitty gritty details of Walt’s double life. Will she really stick with him? Following that guacamole-free dinner with Hank and Marie, she goes briefly back to her catatonic state from earlier this season. She knows she’s lost her sister and brother-in-law for good. But Skyler clearly has limits, and there are places she may not be willing to follow Walt. (Such as New Hampshire.) It’ll be interesting to see just how and when Skyler reaches a breaking point, since we know she isn’t with him nine months from now.

“Confessions” begins with a follow-up to Lydia’s murder rampage from last week, though Lydia herself makes no appearance. (Travesty!) Instead, it’s Todd and his thuggy relatives in a prolonged diner sequence that seems to have little purpose except to inform us that these guys are headed to New Mexico. Todd tells the story of the train heist, ending it before the part where he shoots an innocent child — and later, there’s another callback to “Dead Freight,” with a tarantula crawling through the desert. (Remember, Drew Sharp had one in a jar when he stumbled upon our antiheroes.)

Is “Confessions” reminding us of Todd’s cold-blooded actions in “Dead Freight” for a reason? Will the boy’s death finally be of consequence? Or was this just another random bug for Jesse to stare at, as he so often does? (Beetles, cockroaches, flies… you name it.) It’s becoming near-clear that Todd’s family will face off with Walt in the final episodes, yet this diner scene didn’t do much to build them up as antagonists, which seems like a missed opportunity given the amount of screen time we spend on this tertiary storyline. They’re still nowhere near as intimidating as Gus Fring. (Yet.)

But that’s my only gripe with an otherwise stellar episode, one that does nearly all of what Breaking Bad does at his best. (There aren’t really any quotable tidbits in this one, a la “Tread lightly” or “Am I under arrest?”) Walt has proven even slippier than we thought possible, Hank is stuck without the possibility of turning his brother-in-law in, and Jesse is royally pissed at his onetime mentor — in such a way that their fractured friendship may never be mended. The episode title itself is a clever wink, since Walt has never fully confessed to anything — he’s always spinning lies with just enough of a kernel of truth that they’ll be believed. Here, he may have outdone himself. In his breakdown for the camera, Walt sheds a tear and says he feels so bad for what he’s done to his family without admitting to actually being at fault, and it’s all so very disgusting. How can such an amoral man be so sanctimonious? He’s doomed every important person in his life and yet can still play the “family values” card and get away with it. Now, at least, we have Hank and Marie to shake their heads at his bullshit along with us.In an alternate universe, much of “Confessions” could have served as a series finale. Jesse and Walt say their goodbyes while Walt figures out a surefire way to silence Hank. These conflicts have reached their conclusions — or so we think. But the show’s not over yet.

The last two episodes had me thinking “But there are only six episodes left!” and now I think, “We’ve got five whole episodes to go!” Because where can Breaking Bad go from here? How can it sustain this? Will Walt and Jesse be mortal enemies from here on out? What will Hank do now that he’s been painted into a corner? It’s hard to imagine how these storylines will resolve, but if we could figure it out on our own, we wouldn’t love the show so much.

Breaking Bad is a series that rarely goes the route we’re expecting, preferring to torment its characters rather than let them find an easy out. “Confessions” tightened the screw just a little bit more, giving Walt one of his most masterful schemes yet and promising some epic Jesse vs. Walt action next week. This is Breaking Bad reaching that sky-high bar it set for itself, giving us every reason to believe that it’ll go out with a bang we haven’t seen coming.

Grade: A

*

“Mr. White’s gay for me. Everybody knows it.”

Possibly the biggest question mark surrounding the second half of Breaking Bad‘s fifth season pertained to Walt and Jesse’s relationship — it’s been a tense one over the years (or months, if we’re using the show’s timeline). They’ve been friends and enemies, back and forth — from gruff master and reluctant pupil to a genuine partnership, albeit one in which Mr. White was clearly the puppeteer, pulling strings Jesse didn’t even know about.

We’ve become so used to these two sticking it out through thick and thin together that one could imagine Breaking Bad ending with these two up against an outside opponent — a rival in the drug trade, a former ally turned foe, perhaps the DEA. A more formulaic show might have gone this route, but Breaking Bad is more interested in the many follies of Walter White, which means isolating him from the things he holds dear. Already he’s lost his extended family, the Schraders, and the flash-forward to his 52nd birthday seems to indicate he’ll lose his more immediate family, too. Will he lose Jesse as well?

The climax of last week’s excellent “Confessions” hinted that this may be the point of no return for this duo — though they’ve come back from other precarious points in the past. There was no guarantee that Jesse couldn’t be roped back in under Mr. White’s spell after last week’s revelation, except that it would have been bad storytelling after Jesse already called Walt on his bullshit once in that episode. This week’s “Rabid Dog” makes it pretty clear that there won’t be a lot of happy tears and hugging in Walt and Jesse’s immediate future. It’s possible that coming events will necessitate that they join forces again, but it certainly won’t be like it was. Jesse Pinkman and Mr. White are officially over.

In Season Four, an emotional Jesse poured his heart out at rehab regarding a “problem dog” he had to put out to pasture. Of course, he was really discussing his guilt about killing Gale. The episode was called “Problem Dog,” and now, in this week’s “Rabid Dog,” Jesse himself is the troublesome canine that nearly everybody wants snuffed out. Jesse has often been seen as a loose cannon; he would’ve been euthanized a few times over if not for Walt’s intervention. Say what you will about Walter White, but he does have genuine feelings for his pupil — and has been willing to stick his neck out on more than one occasion to ensure Jesse’s survival.

But Jesse isn’t so sure that Walt is looking out for him these days. Mr. White could kill him at any moment, because that’s what he’s done with others who got in his way — most notably Gale and Mike, both of whom Walt owed some degree of loyalty to. Jesse doesn’t see any difference between him and them, but there is one. In “Rabid Dog,” killing Jesse is not an option for Walt, even when everyone else seems to think it’s the best way to go. Saul compares Jesse to Old Yeller in another of his “colorful metaphors,” Skyler assumes “talking to” Jesse is a euphemism for offing him, and Hank thinks Jesse is expendable as long as it helps him bring Heisenberg down. Jesse truly has nobody watching out for him anymore, which is a sad, strange irony — it’s true that Walt led Jesse down a terrible path (though not necessarily more hopeless than the one he was on already), and certainly he has abused his trust a time or two. But Walt truly does care about Jesse — his betrayals were only meant to keep Jesse close. Now everyone but Walt wants Jesse dead, while Jesse thinks Walt is the one who’s out to get him — and as such, acts out in such a way that only means Walt will have to take Jesse out. How’s that whole lily of the valley scheme working out for you now, Walter?

“Rabid Dog” picks up with Walt breaking into his own home again, searching for a very angry Jesse. His protege has doused the house in gasoline but, for some reason, hesitated before lighting up. The “master criminal” sets about on one of his lamest cover-ups yet, assuming a heavy carpet cleaning will get rid of the smell of gas (it won’t), even bumbling his hiding of the evidence because he can’t figure out which trash can to throw it away in. The White family ends up in a posh hotel, finally enjoying some of that hard-earned blood money — Skyler treats herself to the minibar while Flynn partakes in premium cable in his own suite. Walt sneaks off to meet with Saul about the “Old Yeller” situation, spinning more bullshit upon his return — which Skyler handily sees through. Walt is completely unaware of his wife’s transformation over the past few seasons — he still treats her like the clueless harpy she was back in Season One.

Then we’re privy to the reason Jesse elected not to obliterate the White house, and it’s not a change of heart as Walt surmised. It’s an interruption from Hank — who tries again to get Jesse to make a confession, and this time has asked for it at the perfect moment. Given their rocky past, Hank and Jesse make for an unlikely team, but also an inevitable one — and Marie’s reaction to their new houseguest is priceless. But Hank is just using Jesse in an even colder way than Walt ever did — he still won’t see him as anything besides a meth-addicted burnout. He tapes Jesse’s confession — which made me wonder if this would be a counter-threat to Walt’s tape from last week — then sends Jesse into the fray to meet Walt. Both Hank and Jesse know full well by now that the nefarious Heisenberg could have something up his sleeve to dispatch of rabid Jesse. Jesse sure thinks so, and we can’t be sure that he’s wrong — yet with everyone egging him on, Walt could come out and say that he wanted Jesse gone if he did. Instead, there’s a rather paternal concern in his voice every time he calls Jesse.

(Minor nitpick: the episode glosses over Hank telling Steve Gomez about Walt, which seems like a big deal. Gomez has been on the show since the very beginning, so some consideration of his reaction is warranted. Has he seen Walt’s tape? Did he buy Hank’s story from the get-go, or did it take some convincing? I’m also curious about what Jesse copped to in his confession — did he truly spill the beans on everything? Even his point-blank execution of Gale? It seems unlikely that the DEA could get him off scot-free for something like that, and it’s not really in Jesse’s nature to be so forthcoming. I wish “Rabid Dog” had spent another few minutes on all this, maybe in lieu of some of Walt’s gas can shenanigans.)

Walt is still operating under the assumption that their bond is strong enough to withstand even this, and why wouldn’t he believe so? It’s worked every time leading up to this. Walt genuinely thinks they can talk even this out — but he’s has never been very good at gauging the emotions of those he’s closest to. (He’s better at anticipating the actions of an enemy.) Walt’s still feeding Skyler bullshit she’s way past buying, still trying to appeal to Jesse’s emotions. Wrong approach, Walt. Jesse doesn’t take the bait, instead threatening Walt with an ominous plan for vengeance that is apparently even worse than wearing a wire and ratting him out to the DEA. Walt, in turn, places a call to Todd, enlisting the services of his uncle once again. (Does taking out Jesse Pinkman really require the big guns?) And that’s our show.

Yes, this is Breaking Bad, but still it’s surprising how much of a bloodlust there is in “Rabid Dog,” which strips the core characters down to their very ugliest selves. Jesse’s dreaming up ways to hurt his former mentor, even while that mentor is fighting for a too-late way to save his life. Hank callously uses Pinkman as a pawn in his scheme to take down his criminal brother-in-law, and if Jesse gets killed in the process? That’s just two birds with one stone in Hank’s eyes. Marie fantasizes to her therapist about poisoning Walt — and the fact that she chooses an untraceable poison at all is something Walt would approve of. And Skyler (or should we call her Lady White?) sinks to a new low after her home is sloshed with gasoline, asking, “What’s one more?” regarding that “rabid dog.” (It’s a brilliant piece of acting from Anna Gunn, who consistently finds new and surprising shades of Skyler. My favorite moment of this episode.) Basically, the only person who isn’t out to cut a bitch in “Rabid Dog” is Flynn, and even he asks Walt to stop lying. Did Flynn finally wise up? Alas, no — it’s a fake-out. Flynn just thinks his dad is covering up a fainting spell from the cancer. He’s the one figure on this show that has yet to see through Walt’s crap, now that everyone else has long since grown sick of it.

Last week’s “Confession” contained one of the most miserable meals ever filmed — if you can call it a meal at all, since no one went for that guacamole. It was the first scene to reunite all four adults in the White and Schrader families following Hank’s revelation on the porcelain throne, and this week’s “Rabid Dog” finds them clearly divided again. All four retreat to separate corners to lick their wounds — Walt scrambling to cover up Jesse’s aborted arson, Skyler coping with her guilt via copious amounts of booze, Marie giving her shrink the vaguest possible outline of what’s troubling her (besides the new parking arrangement at work), and Hank burying himself in work once more — teaming up with an enemy to bring an end to an even greater nemesis. These four are in a lot of pain, all handling it in their own way, and “Rabid Dog” takes them to some very dark places. Marie, Hank, and Skyler all want someone dead — how far we’ve come since Season One, huh?

“Rabid Dog” isn’t likely to make us feel warm and fuzzy about any of these people. Ironically, it’s Walt himself who is most sympathetic, insisting that Jesse merely changed his mind about that whole fiery revenge thing. Walt is trying really hard not to send Jesse off to Belize — ironically, he’s the only one who does not want someone dead in this episode. For once, Walt is the one pushing for a peaceful solution while everyone else just wants what’s easy and convenient — at any cost. Here, Walt is the only key figure not acting according to his basest self-interest, and that’s a novelty. No, Walter White has not turned over a benevolent new leaf, but he has limits. He is motivated more by his love for Jesse than out of self-preservation in this episode, hoping for the best and unaware that it’s too late for that. Walter White is used to getting what he wants, particularly from Jesse, and so it’s both love and arrogance that allow him to believe in a non-Belize solution to the Old Yeller problem. It’s not until Jesse declares war on Heisenberg that Walt realizes one of them has to be put down and goes back to his main M.O. — covering his own ass.

“Rabid Dog” is a somewhat strange episode of Breaking Bad — darkly comedic, as two wives (Skyler and Marie) reluctantly go along with their dueling husbands no matter the price. Skyler has come unhinged after sacrificing both her morals and her sister, slinging drunken barbs at Walt without a trace of the fear she once had of him. Meanwhile, Marie is so chipper at the idea of taking Walt down that she’s willing to play hostess to the nefarious drug dealer she previously had zero sympathy for. Taking the White family out of their unimpressive suburban domicile and into a luxurious hotel reminds us how far they’ve come — made clearer by the fact that Skyler has now devolved into the amoral, vodka-guzzling Lady Heisenberg, a crass rich bitch stereotype that should be beneath her. (But it’s fun to watch for an episode or two, at least.) It’s truly starting to feel like the third act of this story as new (and faulty) alliances are formed, old alliances are broken, the status quo is upended, and everyone is having a really shitty time of it.

Todd, Lydia, and the rest have been all but out of the picture in the latter half of this season, because unlike the days of Tuco, the cousins, and Gus Fring, there’s not much need for an external evil as the series winds down to the bitter end. It’s become clear that these characters are their own (and each other’s) worst enemies, and instead of raising the stakes with an impossible villain, it’s putting the core cast together in the ring to fight each other. Nobody’s on the team they would have expected, and there’s no way to predict how things will shake out from here.

Only one thing is certain after this episode: neither Mr. White nor Jesse is gay for each other anymore.

Grade: B

*

“Baby, I got him.”

There isn’t a single episode of Breaking Bad that doesn’t advance the story and the characters in intriguing, insightful, and surprising ways. This show does not waste any of our time.

For so long Breaking Bad has teased us in the most delightful manner, often dawdling when it comes to the big showdowns and revelations, meandering when we expect it to cut to the chase. This isn’t a problem for most Breaking Bad viewers; this show’s tangents are more fascinating than most series’ biggest moments, and Breaking Bad is a bolder, better show for it.

Now, though, we’re finally getting all those major payoffs we’ve waited so long and patiently for. It’s a little jarring. How many times has Walt almost been caught by the police? How many times have Jesse, Hank, and Walt faced death and oh-so-narrowly escaped? We’re so used to the big moments almost happening that this latest batch of episodes feels quite different from the first four and a half seasons — like another show, almost. That’s not a flaw — of course Season Five is going to tie up all those loose ends that have been fraying, fraying, fraying for these past six years.

And yet episodes like “To’hajiilee” are all the more shocking for how directly they deal with the show’s central conflicts. The old Hank vs. Walt battle, the much newer Jesse vs. Walt face-off. Hank and Jesse have been so in the dark for so long, and only recently stepped into the light regarding the devious depths of Walter White. After six years, we’re used to that. We’re used to near-misses, brushes with death, and an intricacy of long-con suspense that would make Hitchcock proud.

What we’re not used to is everything that happened tonight.

Like “Confessions” from a couple weeks back, “To’hajiilee” plays like a scrapped version of the series finale. The show could have ended this way. Walt’s folly finally gets him caught red-handed. Hank gets his man. I’m not sure how satisfying that would be, but it makes a certain kind of sense. Back in “Confessions,” Walt pulled a rather ingenious trump card, leaving Hank seemingly powerless against the great Heisenberg as he plotted to frame Hank for all his crimes should he ever tried to turn Walt in. Hank ultimately didn’t back down, of course (when has he?), which is how ”To’hajiilee” finds the tables turned completely, with Hank in full control and Walt cowed and vulnerable — even defeated.

But first, we check back in with Todd, Lydia, and that gang of white supremacist badasses as they try to determine the blueness of Todd’s cook. (Ultimate conclusion: it’s not very blue.) When there are this many cold-blooded villains in a room together, an audience has to be on their toes, and I feared for Lydia a bit when she politely demanded that her meth be blue. (Blue like her jacket, the same one she wore when taking out Declan in “Buried.”) It’s probably Walt’s near-poisoning of Lydia back in “Gliding Over All” that has me nervous whenever Lydia sips her signature tea, not that Todd is savvy enough to use ricin. Like his extended family, Todd doesn’t do subtle when it comes to dispatching of a nuisance. He’s a point-and-shoot and asks questions later type. Fortunately, the scene took a sweeter turn, if you can call a child-killer’s schoolboy crush “sweet.” Todd has a thing for Lydia, and she seems to know it. It’s almost cute, until you remember who these people are. If there were ever two black souls who deserve each other, it’s Todd and Lydia, sitting in a tree, K-I-L-L-I-N-G.

The real reason for another cold open that checks in with these tertiary evildoers — besides the reminder that some people on Breaking Bad are still cooking meth — is to see the other end of Walt’s phone call to Todd at the end of the last episode. I didn’t particularly care for this — it was implied at the end of the last episode that Walt was employing Uncle Jack to get rid of Jesse, and hearing it said directly didn’t add anything new. In fact, it took away from the suspense. (He might have been calling for some other, more clever reason, for all we knew.) The exchange was rather on-the-nose, as if it had been written for viewers who somehow missed “Rabid Dog” last week.

Another mild disappointment — Jesse’s “genius” plan from last week turned out to be rather obvious, and rather flawed. Yes, Walt loves his money, and no, we can’t expect Heisenberg-level machinations from Jesse Pinkman… but still. Jesse admits he doesn’t know where the money is and it’s Hank who comes up with a twisted plan to find it. This involves a rather cruel trick on poor Huell, who spills the beans pretty easily thanks to a photo fakeout of Jesse’s death. (I was hoping that photo would eventually find its way to Walt, so he could grapple with his guilt and sadness.) I was expecting something a bit more devious from Jesse at this point, but he takes a backseat to Hank in this episode and lets the DEA do all the work. There’s a little Walt vs. Jesse action here, but not as much as we were expecting after last week.

Walt comes up with a solid plan to get Jesse’s goat — he pays a visit to Brock and Andrea, the source of their dispute in the first place. Brock doesn’t look too happy to see Walter, which forces us to wonder exactly how he got the kid to ingest that lily of the valley in the first place. Brock’s more skeptical than terrified, while Andrea is one of few cheerfully oblivious parties left on this show. (She and Flynn might get along.) It’s unclear whether or not Walt’s plan would have worked, since Hank is intercepting all calls to the Hello Kitty phone, leaving Jesse unaware that Walt is potentially spiking Brock’s Froot Loops with more lily of the valley. I was briefly worried for Brock and Andrea when Walt arrived, yet it quickly becomes clear that his scheme is benign. (Except for the part where Jesse gets shot in the back of the head.) As with Jesse’s plan, it was a shade disappointing that Heisenberg hadn’t come up with something a bit more Machiavellian to ferret him out. Neither of these two is exactly bringing their A-game to “To’hajiilee.”

Meanwhile, Flynn is having a less-than-A1 time at the car wash under Skyler’s supervision, at least until a local celebrity shows up. That’s Saul, who does his best to play the greasy slimeball from his TV commercials for Flynn’s sake before completely unraveling in front of Walt. (Seeing Flynn geek out over Saul is the comic highlight of the episode. It’s nice to see RJ Mitte away from the breakfast table.) Saul talks to Walt without a shred of the weaselly confidence he so often displays in the face of crisis — he’s a broken man at this point, wearing a bullet proof vest because poor, gullible Huell is MIA (thanks to Hank’s rather lame attempt to keep him from calling). Saul has generally been a problem solver and comic relief rather than a character whose fate we’re invested in, but at a time when all the core characters are coming undone, Saul’s downfall is right in line, too. These are dark times for just about everybody, even the goofy lawyer.

The first three-quarters of “To’hajiilee” are serviceable but unremarkable. Then things get interesting. Walt is at the car wash, staring out the window (framed in such a way that the blinds look like prison bars — fitting, for what happens next). He receives a photo of one of “his” barrels of money, supposedly retrieved from his lottery ticket coordinates in the desert. He dashes out past Skyler and Flynn without even dropping one of his trademark excuses (“gee, I think I left a burner on…”), and the ever-observant Skyler knows shit is getting real. (It’s an otherwise Skyler-light hour, and Marie also makes just a brief cameo. Not a big episode for the wives of Breaking Bad.)

Despite the shortcomings of his planning, Jesse’s instincts were right — when Walt’s money is threatened, he flies into panic mode, and his usual Heisenberg craftiness takes a holiday as he makes not one but two epic, incredible, life-ruining mistakes. Walt goes on one of his infamous high-speed joyrides to the titular To’hajiilee reservation, not thinking for a moment that he’s actually leading Hank and Jesse right to the money. This is totally in keeping with Walt’s character — the whole reason this hellish journey began at all is to provide for his family, and he begged Skyler to make sure Flynn and Holly get their payday so that it wouldn’t “all be for nothing” just a few episodes back.

So it makes sense. But it’s also a tad disappointing, after all this time, that Heisenberg can be brought down so easily. We’ve seen Walt be sloppy before — he’s sloppy as often as he’s chillingly precise, actually — so, again, this isn’t out of character. But when Walt finds himself in a jam, we’re so used to watching him slip out of it somehow, and the series goes on, we thought he’d get more careful. Instead, he makes a rookie mistake.

At this point in the series, I’m not sure who I’m rooting for anymore. Not so much Hank. Not so much Jesse. I don’t exactly want to see Walt get away with his crimes in the end, laughing all the way to the bank, but I suppose I do want to see him outsmart Hank and Jesse the way he’s outsmarted his other enemies. Walt outwitted so many other foes — for him to fall for this scheme, from the not-so-dynamic duo of Schrader and Pinkman — it’s fine. It’s fitting. It’s a little ironic. But it’s a hell of a slip-up after five seasons of brilliant maneuvers.

Walt ends up making an even more fatal mistake than just leading Hank to the money — he also confesses to some of Heisenberg’s most heinous crimes, finding it unfathomable that his former student might be in cahoots with his brother-in-law. (Earlier, he defends Jesse even as he’s ordering a hit on him, vehemently denying that he’s a “rat.”) And that’s it. Hank has all the evidence he needs to put Walt behind bars; Walt realizes what he’s done, but much too late. Walt has escaped some near-impossible scenarios before, including several when it was almost unthinkable that he wouldn’t be discovered. But “To’hajiilee” finally takes him further, to a true point of no return. Walt is fucked. A stupid lapse of judgment made in a moment of extreme duress finds his entire empire undone, like it never happened. The money will be whisked away from the Whites, Walt will go to jail (before he can even pass on his coloring secrets to Todd), and Hank will be a hero. Truth be told, it’s probably dumb moments like this that get most criminals caught — but at the same time, don’t we expect a little better from Heisenberg?

Maybe that’s the point. No criminal mastermind is flawless. Certainly not Walter White. As he sees two of the people he cared for most working together to bring him down, Walt does something he does not do easily — he gives up. He surrenders. He allows himself to be humbled while Hank savors every moment of the arrest. It’s worth noting how clearly betrayed Walt is at seeing Hank and Jesse together, and the show’s complex web of emotions has us pitying him while at the same time asking, “Well, what did you expect, Walter?” Walt decided to kill Jesse — Jesse antagonized him to this point, because he thought Walt had already decided to kill him — so for Walt to feel betrayed is a bit hypocritical. Yet “Rabid Dog” made it clear that Walt was protective of Jesse until the bitter end, and that carries over into this episode. He does not take Jesse’s death lightly. It’s Walt’s immense disappointment in his former partner that causes him to finally throw in the towel and surrender here after fighting so hard in the past to avoid this very fate.

As Jesse notes, the climax takes place in the very spot where Walt and Jesse first cooked together, which again makes this feel like a series finale. (But it would also be much too neat and tidy a series finale for Breaking Bad.) Hank calls Marie and gloats: “Baby, I got him.” (Reminiscent of Walt’s “I won” call to Skyler at the end of Season Four.) Of course, this is Breaking Bad and there are still three more episodes before the series is over, so we have a pretty good idea that Todd and friends will show up despite Walt calling it off, and we are correct. Walt uselessly tries to warn Hank what’s about to happen, and even more uselessly tries to get Jack to call it off. Instead, it’s a shoot-out, and since no one has apparently been hit by the end of this episode, we have to wonder why Hank, Todd, Uncle Jack, and the rest are all suddenly such terrible shots.

“To’hajiilee” takes an interesting course of action, and an unexpected one. The shoot-out itself is not overly shocking, but Walt’s behavior is. He tries to save Hank. Previously, Walt has always erred on the side of self-preservation, and though he has drawn the line at having Hank killed before, it’s now quite literally Walt or Hank that’s taking a fall, and Walt would apparently rather be carted off to prison than see his brother-in-law shot down. Does that redeem Walter White? True, this is an episode in which Walt orders the death of his beloved partner, but even so, both “Rabid Dog” and “To’hajiilee” have gone out of their way to re-humanize Heisenberg. I’ve always been enthralled and invested in Walt’s character, which isn’t to say I’ve always rooted for him in the long run. But at a point, I expected it would be impossible to truly feel sympathy for him again.

In “To’hajiilee,” it’s hard not to. He’s betrayed by his partner, outwitted by his brother-in-law, and everything he’s worked so hard for throughout the series is suddenly taken away. There will be no pony at Holly’s Sweet 16. Nothing that happens here erases the many nefarious acts he’s carried out in the past, and no one can say Walt didn’t dig this grave himself. Just two episodes ago, in “Confessions,” Walt reached a new level of treachery as he threatened to pin all of Heisenberg’s evils on Hank, and now? I expect viewers will have a variety of reactions, but my heart went out to Walt in this one. It’s surprising primarily because we expect Walt’s journey from ordinary chemistry teacher to criminal mastermind to be at least somewhat linear. Walt can be a real son of a bitch, but Breaking Bad has never suggested that he is or ever could be outright evil. It isn’t hard to imagine a parallel universe in which the writers are just having fun with this final season, letting Heisenberg be the ultimate badass. If he’d wantonly decided to dispatch of Hank and Marie back in “Buried,” we would have bought it. He could be killing people left and right.

Instead, there’s a lot more moral complexity, especially since the series has taken pains to make everyone but Walt unlikeable lately. Marie’s looking up poisons on the internet, Hank finds Jesse expendable, Skyler’s decided she’s fine with “one more” murder, and Jesse’s on a vengeance bender against his former mentor. (I know a lot of people are on Team Jesse; I love the character, but I don’t find him all that easy to sympathize with, given his many unsavory acts in the past. Especially in “rabid dog” mode.)

Here, after so much selfishness, Walt finally makes a sacrificial gesture and decides to go peacefully and quietly. It’s true that he doesn’t have many other options, but he also doesn’t try other options. And when one of his miraculous “lucky breaks” surfaces in the form of Uncle Jack, Walt isn’t pleased or grateful. He tries to stop it from happening. After slowly stripping away our empathy for Walt over the years, Breaking Bad spends a surprising amount of time in Season Five earning it back. There’s a brilliant irony here — no matter who lives and dies in this shoot-out, it will end up looking like Walt orchestrated it intentionally. He tried to warn Hank, but it won’t be remembered that way. It’ll be viewed as another of Heisenberg’s masterful “get out of jail free” tricks… and if something happens to Hank, Skyler might very well change her tune about that “what’s one more?” business. It won’t look good. Walt has reached a point where he doesn’t even have to execute a genius escape plan — it will be attributed to him anyway. He’s created a monster, and even if he does all he can to keep Hank out of harm’s way, he very well could be remembered as his killer.

That is, assuming Hank dies. Now that the show is in its final four episodes, all bets are off when it comes to a shoot-out. Anyone besides Walt, really, could die before the series finale. And “To’hajiilee” insinuates that Hank might be the first to go. His phone call to Marie smacks of a final goodbye, though that could be a tease from the writers. Poor Hank has already cheated death twice in the past year — first in El Paso, when his anxiety attack spared him from getting limbs blown off via tortoise bomb, and then in his shoot-out with the Cousins. After all that, could Hank go down in another firefight?

It’s hard to say. On the one hand, it would seem strange for this episode to end with nobody getting shot (not even one of Uncle Jack’s lackeys!), and then kill off a major character (or a handful of them) at the beginning of the next. If Hank dies, it would seemingly be a better end to “To’hajiilee” than it would be a beginning to the next episode. If Hank doesn’t die, it would be strange and redundant to have him wind up in the hospital again with another few bullet wounds.

On the other hand, if either Hank or Gomez survive the gunfight, it’s game over for Heisenberg. From the flash-forwards, we know that Walt is eventually discovered, so this is a distinct possibility. But Hank’s death would explain so much about the future — why Skyler and Walt parted ways, why Walt went on the run to New Hampshire (supposedly), why he’s notorious enough that someone would graffiti “Heisenberg” in his house (and why neighbor Carol is afraid enough to drop her oranges at the mere sight of him). Walt has done some terrible deeds, but perhaps none are quite terrible enough to warrant the big finale we know is coming. Hank’s death could change that. It’s all speculation at this point, but even the promo for next week’s episode played pretty coy.

Regardless, despite a cliffhanger ending, “To’hajiilee” contains a lot more closure than we’re used to from this series. Hank caught Walt fair and square. Walt is officially busted. Jesse spitting in Walt’s face seems to close the door on that beef, too, for now. And Walt shed a tear and (sort of) redeemed himself, which makes parts of “To’hajiilee” feel like the series finale. At this late stage in the game, we’re trading narrative slyness for those Big Fucking Moments — with ”To’hajiilee,” it definitely feels like we’re nearing the end. This is the point of no return, folks. All or nothing. Where does it go from here?

We’ll find out next week. Until then? Have an A1 day! Grade: B+ 

*

“The reaction has begun.”

Leave it up to Breaking Bad to kill off one of the four leads in an episode and have that not be the scene everyone is talking about.

Last week’s “To’hajiilee” was, for me, a mixed bag. A mostly good bag, but with a few questionable items mixed in. I didn’t like its cliffhanger-y conclusion, which felt very safe and very “TV.” (Breaking Bad seldom actually feels like TV, in the classic sense.) We’ve all seen shows that put one of the heroes in mortal peril at the end of an episode, only to immediately arrive at a miraculous conclusion at the beginning of the next. It’s very Batman — Adam West version, not Christian Bale. I trusted Vince Gilligan and company not to stoop so low on this show, but that didn’t change the fact that I felt dissatisfaction more than I felt suspense about Hank’s fate.

I knew I’d need to see this week’s episode to really know how I felt about that ending, and I still think there are a number of ways “To’hajiilee” could have ended that would sit better with me. If we had seen Hank shot in the leg. If we saw Gomez die. Or if we cut out before the first shot was fired. These are a few possibilities, but there are more.

However, the fact that “To’hajiilee” didn’t end to my liking doesn’t mean that just about everything in “Ozymandias” isn’t flawless. It’s one of the best hours of TV I’ve ever seen. Also, one of the tensest and most wrenching.

A surprise from Breaking Bad? Not exactly. But still, this show really outdid itself tonight.

We’re now officially in the home stretch. All the original tensions of the series are gone. “Ozymandias” obliterated them. Directed by Rian Johnson (a fact I forgot until just now, because I was so invested in watching), who has helmed some of the series’ most memorable hours — “Fly” and “Fifty-One” — “Ozymandias” kills off Hank, ending his increasingly dangerous dance with Heisenberg. That isn’t a total shocker to anyone who watched last week, though his death wasn’t a total given.

Except… it was, wasn’t it? Hank knew immediately that there was no way he was getting out of To’hajiilee territory alive once Uncle Jack and the gang showed up. Those guys are real criminals, hardened and remorseless, at least when it comes to the DEA. Walt tries to argue that Hank is family, but does Uncle Jack care? No. Uncle Jack has his own family, and Todd’s respect for Walt is the only reason he isn’t in that ditch with Hank and Gomez. He knows he’d lose his nephew if anything happened to Walt out there — another family-based decision. But why should Uncle Jack care about Walt’s family? Walt’s victims had families, too, yet he always did what was best for his. Uncle Jack is no different in that respect. Walt erroneously expects that when it’s his family on the line, exceptions will be made — remember how he tried to talk Jesse out of burning the money with the same logic? — but no. Uncle Jack does what’s best for his own family, which is to kill Hank and leave Walt alive. Walt is getting a nasty dose of his own medicine now that it’s his loved ones on the chopping block.

As it turns out, the rest of “Ozymandias” is also all about family in a big way. But I can’t move on without saying “R.I.P.” to poor Hank — and Gomez, too. It’s a brutal scene — Gomez is already dead when we return to the shoot-out. This periphery character has been on the sidelines since the pilot. He knew Walt well enough to show up at the White residence for birthday parties. When a recurring character who’s been with us for five seasons dies off-screen, his body lying motionless in the background at the beginning of an episode, you know you’re in for a big one.

I might have liked a little more from Gomez either here or, better yet, at the end of last week’s episode, but of course there are bigger fish to fry in “Ozymandias.” Hank is shot in the leg — a cruel twist of fate, since he already has trouble walking — and once again makes a last-ditch effort to grab a discarded gun with less success than he had with the Cousins. Seems you can only be lucky once in such a situation. It’s obviously hopeless for Hank, despite any question last week about whether or not Breaking Bad would cop out and let him escape unscathed. (There was essentially no way that could work, with Hank having cheated death twice already.) He’s majorly outmanned and there’s no way Uncle Jack can show mercy, even if he wished to. (Doubtful.) Hank refuses to give up his pride or integrity, preferring to go down like a man rather than beg, plead, wheedle, and barter for a safe trip home.

It’s Walt who makes a foolish bid for Hank’s life — he’s even willing to part with his many millions — but there are some things money can’t buy. Walt is always trying to make a deal, and here, it’s a very bad one — but give him sympathy points for effort, since he shows himself to be a slightly better guy than we would have guessed. He may have talked and acted tough when he and Hank were grappling for power earlier this (half-)season, but now that it’s down the wire, we see a lot of love flowing in at least one direction between these two. (Hank, I’m sure, feels differently.)

Hank’s death is agonizingly drawn out, and then, when it comes, shockingly quick. (It’s also tastefully written and directed, not lingering on gory details.) Again, brutal. Lots of TV shows kill off major characters, of course, and sometimes it packs an emotional wallop, but I can’t think of a TV death as harrowing as this — not even on The Sopranos — perhaps because it feels so realistic. This isn’t an operatic moment or even a cinematic one. It’s senseless and cruel and cold-blooded and efficient. It is so directly a consequence of our protagonist’s doing — not one mere action, but every single thing he’s done since the beginning of the show. It’s all lead to this. Walt set it in motion long ago (as we see in flashback), and now that the end is here, it’s easy to see that of course things had to happen this way. How else was it going to go? “Ozymandias” isn’t a single episode of TV; it’s five seasons of a house of cards, stacked bit by bit, card by card, now finally tumbling down.

So Hank is gone, without a lot of fanfare — considering. Both Jesse and Walt’s fates are uncertain at this point, since it would seemingly behoove the gang to get rid of Walt, too, while they’re at it. (Thank God for Todd!) Now Walt has given his precious money to a bunch of goons for no reason whatsoever, but luckily Uncle Jack has at least a little class and spares $11 million for Walt — still more than he can really use — and takes off with Jesse. But before he goes, Walt manages to tie up one last dangling loose end by admitting that he let Jane die. Bombshell!

It’s a final “fuck you” to Jesse, a way to come out on top. Despite his agony over Hank’s death, Walt has no remorse left for his former pupil, which is understandable after the way Jesse gloated last week. (Bad move, Jesse!) Technically, Hank and Jesse were equally against Walt, but it’s Jesse who was a true traitor. Hank never changed sides — Walt knew he was a good guy from day one, and even though that makes them sworn enemies, Walt still respects and admires that. Jesse’s betrayal, on the other hand, is something else entirely. After seeing Heisenberg at work time and time again, he should have known better. (And he did… he just didn’t take his own advice. Walt’s luck wins again.)

I’m still undecided on how I feel about this blow being dealt at the beginning of an episode, rather than the end. It has a wholly different effect, which I’m sure was at least part of the intent behind why Hank didn’t die at the end of last week’s episode instead. We expect stories to be told a certain way. It’s the end when the good and/or bad guys die, then there’s relief when it’s over — perhaps even a grieving process. “Ozymandias” doesn’t allow us to exhale after Hank is shot — we don’t get to stop and process it. There’s no catharsis. It keeps right on ticking, as life does, without mourning Agent Schrader. All in all it was probably a good storytelling decision, but it also made “Ozymandias” a difficult watch. Breaking Bad has never exactly been the easiest, breeziest show, but this episode? As amazingly crafted as it is, it also feels a bit like a punishment for liking it in the first place.

As Walt finds his way out of the desert with a barrel of money, Marie shows up at the car wash, unaware that her hubby’s been iced. I figured Marie was showing up to gloat (Marie does love to gloat!), but instead, she’s making an honest and heartfelt attempt to set things right with Skyler. Upon hearing that Walt’s in cuffs, Skyler goes catatonic again and bends completely to Marie, who now holds the power between these two. (For a limited time.) Marie has a couple demands, not least of which is telling Flynn the truth. Skyler tries to object, but Marie’s right — he’s going to find out anyway. Shouldn’t it be from them?

Initially I was disappointed that the bulk of the confession happens off-screen, because I thought Vince Gilligan and company were short-changing RJ Mitte (as often happens). He’s been so clueless for so long that I wanted his moment of revelation to be a huge one. Sitting down and having a little chat felt too easy by this show’s standards, and then, we get only some disbelief and denial before Flynn is out the door. Had “Ozymandias” left us with that as Flynn’s “big” moment, I’d have cried foul.

But. What happens next is…

Insane.

Hank’s death was, somehow, not the most intense scene in “Ozymandias.” That belongs to the showdown between Walt, Skyler, and Flynn at the White household. And by showdown, I mean knife fight!

“Ozymandias” opens with a flashback scene that foreshadows a couple of this episode’s highlights — a shot of a phone and a knife block (reminiscent of Scream!), both of which will become important later, and also some discussion of baby names. While I suspected these knives might come into play later, I figured the baby talk was just a random conversation. As it turns out, though, this is Baby Holly’s biggest episode yet!

First, Walt is in full-on panic mode (understandably), trying desperately to get his family to pack and move out. Trouble is, Skyler knows that Hank arrested Walt and Flynn knows his dad’s a drug dealer. All this time, Skyler has been trying to protect her kids from knowing the truth — now that’s gone. Suddenly, going along with Walt’s increasingly crazy schemes isn’t such a brilliant idea. There’s no point anymore.

So Skyler, who flirted with becoming an ice-cold Lady Heisenberg in the past few episodes, plants her feet firmly back on the right side and finally, finally, finally stands up to Walt the way she probably should have all along. With a knife. She’s not fucking around, either — she slices his hand open as he steps near. (Marie’s talk about how there’s still hope for goodness in Skyler may have awakened her inner fighter.) This calls for a knock-down drag-out fight that is almost unbearably tense, especially once Flynn intervenes. Breaking Bad has already killed Gomez and Hank — I wouldn’t put it past them to have Skyler accidentally stabbed as she wrestles Walt, too… or maybe even Flynn.

Fortunately, no one else is stabbed, but Flynn saves the day as he protects his mother and calls the cops on his dad. (A nice switch from when he hated Skyler for wanting a divorce.) This whole scene is a great showcase for RJ Mitte — erasing any doubts I had about his  earlier scene being a little on the weak side. Finally, Flynn joins the fray — now he’s as troubled and unhappy as everyone else on this show.

The tragedy of Breaking Bad is turning out to be that Walt’s actions were all for nothing. And Skyler’s, too. Walt wanted to provide for his family’s future but instead got them branded “the Heisenbergs.” Skyler wanted to protect her kids and instead, there’s a knife fight in the living room. Breaking Bad proves that crime doesn’t pay — or if it does, it pays so much that it becomes a problem, and eventually takes it all back again… with serious interest. Walt foolishly loses most of his money trying to barter with criminals for Hank’s life, and the only reason it happened is because he moved the money out to the desert in the first place. If he could have left well enough alone, he and Skyler would be the only ones who knew where it was. But he panicked and decided he didn’t trust her. Walt may be a smart guy in many ways, but now his follies are showing through big time, and even Skyler can see that he’s not in control anymore.

Now Walt is fighting for the same thing — his family’s survival — without realizing that his family has fallen apart right in front of him. Skyler has wised up, Flynn knows the truth about dear old dad, and everyone is about to find out what Heisenberg has done to Hank. Walt thinks they can start over, but it’s a little late for that. (Try explaining that to Flynn — along with why he’d never hear from Aunt Marie or Uncle Hank again.) This episode finds Walt scrambling to clean up messes that are long past fixable — until he gets back into Heisenberg mode and snatches Baby Holly from the house. (Not the first time someone’s tried to make off with that little girl this season.) It’s both a “fuck you” to Skyler for throwing him out of the house and a desperate ploy to keep at least some of his family — the member who is too young to know better. He could still, in theory, raise her to love him just as much as Flynn did until recently, and Holly would be none the wiser.

Everything about this sequence is so tense and exhilarating that my jaw was dropped all the while. It’s probably the most shocked I’ve been by this show since the plane crash in “ABQ.” Going into “Ozymandias,” I had a feeling Hank would die and that would be what led Walt to run off for the next several months, until we catch back up in those flash-forwards. I did not, however, foresee a White family knife brawl culminating in a Holly-snatching. This level of intensity is hardly ever found on a TV show, but then again, that’s this whole episode. (Given the level of agony Skyler experiences here, I’d like to propose a special ceremony at which every actress who has won an Emmy for the past five years must publicly apologize to Anna Gunn and hand theirs over. Seems fair, don’t you think?)

The final few moments find Walt playing daddy to Baby Holly and perhaps realizing how much more difficult a getaway is with an infant in tow… and how a man dying of cancer is probably not the best person to raise a young child. He can be a criminal mastermind or he can be a father, but as this episode proves, he cannot be both. So Walt gives Skyler a call — a nice echo of a much happier conversation in the flashback, when he was only beginning his elaborate lies — knowing the police will be standing by. Is he getting his revenge by making it clear that she knew all along? Is it another “fuck you”? Or is he doing her a favor by making it clear that she wasn’t directly involved (and omitting the details about her money laundering)?

I’m still not sure what his intention is with the second half of that call — Walt makes himself out to be a dangerous badass, but to what end? This feels calculated rather than a mere stroke of the ego. I’m not sure what Walt gains if the police think he had Hank killed intentionally, but I suppose we’ll find out next week. In the meantime, Walt destroys yet another cell phone (which happens so many times on this show that I feel it should be called Breaking Phones), leaves Holly in a fire truck for a safe trip back to Mom, and meets the mysterious man who can make people disappear. (I’m very curious about him.)

Meanwhile, Jesse has been tortured and now, apparently, is Todd’s new Mr. White, as the two protegees will cook together. (Is this another spin-off in the making?) I wasn’t entirely convinced that Jesse would survive “Ozymandias” either, even if Jesse would seem an integral element for the true series finale. (But seriously, how many episodes lately have felt like the last episode?) The last shot features Walt riding off into the sunset, toward an unknown future, as a dog darts across the screen — seemingly random, until you remember that there’s still a “Rabid Dog” running around out there. That’s Jesse.

Seems Jesse is about to cause some problems for Mr. White, which could very well be what draws him out of hiding. Next time, Walt won’t make the mistake of hiring Uncle Jack to do his dirty work… he’ll come for Jesse himself.

All in all, “Ozymandias” is a stellar hour of television. For all its dark dealings, Breaking Bad is often a “fun” show to watch, even if the fun at the expense of a grounded story with real consequences. But there’s not much room for fun in “Ozymandias,” not even when Walt rolls that barrel of millions across the desert with a jaunty tune on the soundtrack. (It’s too soon after Hank’s death to take any pleasure in this.) It’s is a hard hour to watch — “Ozymandias” begins with a beloved character dying and gets even darker sets the mood. “Ozymandias” reminded me of the previous “oh shit, everything is falling to pieces” episode “Crawl Space” from Season Four, one of my very favorites. It’s similarly grim, though, this one pushes even further. It can do that, now that we’re so close to the finale.

As of this episode, though, the show could end now and I’d be satisfied by the journey. Of course there are a few loose elements yet to be tied, and I’m ecstatic that there are two more episodes — but in many ways, emotionally, the story now feels complete. These characters have gone to such emotional extremes — especially in this episode. Hank chooses a noble death, Walt despairs over his brother-in-law’s demise, Walt condemns Jesse to a long and painful death, Skyler learns that the jig is up, Flynn is told that his father is a drug dealer, Skyler realizes that Walt killed Hank, Skyler chooses to turn away from Walt at last, Walt kidnaps his own daughter, Walt takes ownership of a heinous act he didn’t even want to happen in order to be feared and reviled.

These are all unthinkably huge moments in their own right, but combined in one episode? Well, that’s just fantastic television! The final two episodes could be pure garbage and I’d still say “Ozymandias” is a fitting culmination, a fantastic payoff to so many storylines we’ve invested in over these years. (I knew an episode named after this poem and directed by Rian Johnson would be major.) I could write a whole college paper on just how perfectly written and executed this episode is, but instead, I’ll leave you with a poem to chew on.

“Ozymandias” is named after the poem by Percy Bysshe Shelley, which reads as follows:

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: “Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert . . . Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
‘My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!’
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

Grade: A+

*

“Why don’t you just die already?”

For once, the Sunday night television conversation was centered around a different series last night — Dexter, and how utterly disappointing the finale was.

I’ve only seen the first season of Dexter, but I know that the show has disappointed fans for the past few seasons, and it’s for the very reasons that Breaking Bad hasn’t (as Entertainment Weekly pointed out). Breaking Bad is spending its final episodes tightening the screws, dealing with the consequences of our antiheroes’ actions, and killing off a few important figures in this world. After last week’s wrenching dispatching of Hank in the masterful “Ozymandias,” there’s another death in “Granite State,” and while the deceased party isn’t exactly as much of a fixture on Breaking Bad as Dean Norris was, in her own way, she’s integral.

Dexter‘s series finale occurred on the same night that Breaking Bad won a well-deserved Emmy for Best Drama, and an equally well-deserved award for Anna Gunn’s acting, which has always been phenomenal but has really kicked into high gear for Season Five. (Her stellar work in “Fifty-One” has now been matched by “Ozymandias.”) After six years, Breaking Bad has evolved from hidden gem to water cooler phenom and, finally, Emmys champion. It’s particularly poignant that the show has found both its largest audience and the pinnacle of its critical applause right at the bitter end — but better late than never, right? As the show itself is starting to prove in these grim final episodes, sometimes justice does get served, even if it’s too little, too late.

Ironically enough, Breaking Bad‘s Emmy win aired opposite one of the least Breaking Bad-y episodes of them all, a willfully offbeat our following the climactic “Ozymandias” and preceding the true finale next week. Last week already took care of the major tensions on Breaking Bad, so whatever happens from here is icing on the cake. I had no idea what to expect of the limbo episode “Granite State,” except that it would take Walt to New Hampshire at some point and probably catch us up to the flash-forwards. “Granite State” is a cinematic episode — even in a rather cinematic series like Breaking Bad, it stands out as being more like a movie than a TV show. The major characters are all separated — notice how we don’t see any of the show’s original cast members in a scene together, even once? That’s rare on TV.

Instead, we get a rare “special guest”-type appearance from a movie star, Robert Forster, and glimpses at the rest of the surviving cast, but once again, this show is focused heavily on Walter and Jesse — albeit in different states and very different places. Both are isolated in a prison-style environment — Jesse’s in an actual cage, while Walt fenced is in with the knowledge that leaving the safety of his new home means he’ll be caught by the police. Neither can contact their loved ones — at least, not without consequences. There are few environments more opposite to New Mexico’s desert landscapes, so ingrained in Breaking Bad‘s visuals, than wintery New Hampshire, again making “Granite State” feel like a “very special episode.”

So what do we get here? First, we pick up with Saul’s disappearance at the hands of the vacuum cleaner salesman with a set of skills entirely unrelated to cleaning carpets. (Though you could see his knack for making criminals vanish as sucking them up so that they’re never seen again.) He’s played by Robert Forster, the kind of star who isn’t too distracting to pop up on a show that really never relies on familiar faces, and a guy whose baggage we know from a lot of other crime movies. We can infer that this guy has seen a lot, though he does admit that Walt is his “hottest” client ever. He’s just one element making “Granite State” feel like Breaking Bad: The Movie.

Saul is planning a move to Nebraska, and in further un-Saul behavior, his best advice for Walt is to turn himself in. The man who has a cockamamie way to slip out of every jam is finally schemeless. Walt attempts to threaten Saul but is interrupted by a cancer-fueled coughing fit, rendering him much less intimidating. None of the old rules apply anymore — Saul is finally able to stand up to Heisenberg with a simple, “It’s over,” and Walt isn’t in a position where he can do much harm in retaliation. The chipper, skeezy lawyer from those TV commercials has finally been broken.

So Walt travels up to New Hampshire via propane tank — not exactly the first class travel you’d expect from a multimillionaire — with Robert Forster planning monthly visits with supplies. As soon as he’s gone, Walt is ready to ignore the vacuum salesman’s wisdom and head directly into the nearest town, Heisenberg hat and all… but changes his mind when he gets to the gate. There’s no hurry. He’ll go tomorrow.

And then months pass… and…

Meanwhile, Jesse is currently an involuntarily guest at the Hotel Uncle Jack, spending his days cooking that infamous blue meth and his nights trying like hell to escape. Todd tends to Jesse, treating him like a shiny new pet, and even when Uncle Jack wants to get rid of him for being a rat, Todd is desperate to keep him alive. Uncle Jack guesses that it’s because Todd is sweet on Lydia, but is that the only reason? As Uncle Jack points out, this crew of lowlife Nazis is now richer than they could have imagined, so selling meth is now an unnecessary liability. (Besides, haven’t they been witness to enough to realize that it’s not a particularly wise enterprise?) Perhaps Todd still wants to make Walt proud, or maybe he just isn’t very good at anything besides killing people and needs a hobby. Regardless, this is the episode where Todd finally comes into his own as a character — a character complicated and unique enough that he could probably carry his own movie or TV show, actually.

While Todd does a lot of creepy things in “Granite State,” the one I found creepiest was taking up tea-drinking to emulate (and possibly impress?) Lydia. The two meet in the cafe Lydia favors for all her shady dealings with meth manufacturers. She refuses to sit opposite Todd, which must be a blow to his fantasies, opting for the much more conspicuous back-to-back “talking to an empty chair” meeting. Lydia has decided the risks are too high to continue working with Todd, but when she hears that his cooks with Jesse are yielding meth in the 90% purity bracket, she pauses.

The interaction is another reason “Granite State” feels cinematic — Todd and Lydia are new characters, so to see them alone, moving on with business as usual while the rest of the cast is stuck between rocks and some very hard places, widens the scope of the show beyond any of the original cast. Next week will likely put a stop to Todd and Lydia’s empire, but for now, it feels like the story could continue on without Walt, Jesse, or any of the rest. As with Gray Matter, Walt helped to create something and now it has taken on a life of its own; he is all but forgotten by those who are taking it to the next level. I haven’t seen enough of The Wire to make an apt comparison, but from what I’ve heard, this is kind of what it’s like — if there were another season of Breaking Bad, we’d see how Walt’s actions from long ago affect a whole new set of people with a whole new set of problems.

But for now, we’re still dealing with Jesse Pinkman. As it often does, Breaking Bad corrected a possible shortcoming with a past episode in the latest — I felt that “Rabid Dog” glossed over Jesse’s confession to Hank, which seemed like a pivotal moment for both characters, as Jesse had to wrestle with the evil that he’d done while Hank discovered more of Walt’s monstrous actions. One question left hanging was exactly how much Jesse told Hank — we had no reason to believe that his confession actually confessed everything. But apparently it did — here, we see Jesse cop to Gale’s murder, which was his most cold-blooded act (and the most likely to get him sent away for a very long time). He also gives the police details on Drew Sharp’s murder by Todd — which has us wonder, now that Hank and Gomez are dead, if that case is still unsolved.

Oh, and villainy alert: Uncle Jack and his crew mock Jesse throughout the entirety of his confession, drawing a distinct line between their criminality and Walt and Jesse’s. (Though Jesse was more sensitive, Walt didn’t take death as lightly as Uncle Jack either.) While Uncle Jack has never been an endearing character, this scene made him all kinds of revolting, and if anyone on this show needs to take a trip to Bermuda next week, at this point it’s clearly him.

Neither Uncle Jack nor Todd has been fleshed out enough to approach Gus Fring-level villainy, but they certainly are despicable, as “Granite State” makes an effort to prove. Not long after bringing Jesse multiple flavors of ice cream, feeding him like a pet, Jesse tries to escape and Todd shows him what happens to a bad rabid problem dog when it tries to run away. Its girlfriend gets murdered. (Wait, what? Harsh!) And so we say R.I.P. to Andrea, who has never been even a Jane-level presence on the show, and yet, as a symbol, means even more. Walt has long claimed that he’s in the “empire business” for his family, and along the way, Jesse also adopted a surrogate family that he came to care about as much as Walt cared about his. In Jesse’s case, though, he actually made efforts to protect them, isolating himself from Brock and Andrea so that they wouldn’t get hurt.

Like Andrea, Brock is more of a symbol than an actual character — Walt poisoned him, and when Jesse found out about it, it was the last straw in their tense relationship, turning them into enemies at last. Jesse has been abandoned by his biological family and manipulated and betrayed by his surrogate father, but as long as he kept Brock and Andrea out of harm’s way, there was still something pure that he cared for in this world. When Walt talked Jesse into letting Andrea and Brock go in the earlier half of this season, he may have been acting out of selfish interests, but he was also right. Brock and Andrea are Jesse’s weakness, and when evildoers find out about it, they’ll use them as leverage. Meth is poison, after all, and Andrea herself decided to use it long ago. If she hadn’t, she wouldn’t have met Jesse Pinkman. And she wouldn’t be dead. Even this minor character is, in a way, an agent of her own fate, even though many others had a hand in it. Though he came to love her, Jesse’s initial intention was to get a recovering Andrea to buy his product. It was a malicious intent, and now, at last, he has paid for it. (With interest.) No bad deed goes unpunished on this series… even if it takes a while for the consequences to come a-knockin.’ In “Granite State,” Jesse and Andrea both paid for what they started way back in Season Three.

And speaking of reaping what you sow, Skyler also finds herself punished for some poor decision-making, first giving the police her best Catatonic Skyler and then passing her time with booze and cigarettes, as she tends to do when she’s particularly upset. Now, with Walt out of the picture, she has no one to blame but herself for the mess she’s in. (I wonder how those breakfasts with Walter Jr. are going now.) Like Jesse and Walt, “Granite State” finds Skyler in a prison, of sorts, without putting any of these characters jailed in the traditional sense. She has the police outside, watching her every move, and then Todd and friends drop by in ski masks, threatening harm to Skyler and/or Holly if she were to mention “the woman at the car wash” to the police.

It’s a chilling scene, one that makes it clear that Skyler will probably never feel completely safe — there’s always a chance she’ll find masked men in the nursery, and always will be. But she handles it smartly, telling Todd what he wants to hear (and presumably following through). Skyler handles these situations better than Jesse, better than Walt. She doesn’t make waves. She doesn’t let her emotions get in the way. She makes only tiny motions, the kind that are least likely to get her killed. She’s able to follow orders when she knows that doing otherwise is likely to end in punishment. Compare and contrast to Jesse, who should have known that a botched escape would mean death to Brock and/or Andrea. Skyler doesn’t even know Todd, but she’s smart enough not to cross him.

And while everyone else is in New Mexico, facing the direst of consequences for what Walt has done, he’s made a safe getaway to another “New” state — New Hampshire, the “Granite State.” Granite is a hard, tough substance, a crystalline rock — and this is one tough episode, finding all of these characters in a granite-like state. Walt, of course, gets off easiest, considering, though he’s suitably miserable in his isolated cabin in the woods. He offers the vacuum cleaner salesman $10,000 to play cards with him for two hours. (The tough negotiator wheedles it down to one.) A man with such big ambitions now having to pay a virtual stranger for an hour of amusement is tragic enough on its own, and again, this could have been an ending for the series. Like so many episodes, a few tweaks could have made “Granite State” the series finale. Can these characters possibly be punished further? The cancer, too, is taking its toll on Walt, largely untreated.

Finally, Walt gets the brilliant idea to mail a box full of cash to Walter Jr.’s friend Louis, foolishly believing that his family can somehow use this money without attracting the attention of the police. Mike’s attempts to save a nest egg for his granddaughter already highlighted this folly, and a phone call to Walter Jr. confirms what we already know — Walt’s family has no want for this blood money anyway. The phone call between the two Walters is one of the episode’s highlights, proving to Walt that he has indeed lost his family. Walt flirts with the idea of turning himself in, again, and sits down at the bar for a final drink. And that’s when “Granite State” takes a thrilling, brilliant turn.I hadn’t expected to see Gretchen and Elliot again. The idea never even occurred to me. But of course Breaking Bad has to come full circle, and what started it all? Walt’s banishment from Gray Matter. Gretchen and Elliot appear on Charlie Rose, dismissing Walt’s contribution to Gray Matter (and giving us a taste of the rest of the world’s reaction to Heisenberg). Walt’s squeezed napkin is enough to tell us that he won’t take his reputation being slighted like this. The police show up, but too late — and the show’s theme music gives the final moments a distinctly cinematic touch, like when we hear a familiar movie theme in the sequel. It’s that “Aw, yeah!” moment where we know things are kicking in to high gear. It’s the kind of thing that would happen in Breaking Bad: The Movie.

So that’s what finally sends him racing back to New Mexico, on the lam, with a firearm in his trunk, to get his ricin. I had previously guessed that it was revenge on Jesse, reacquiring his millions from Uncle Jack, and/or finding out his family was in danger. I didn’t guess that Gretchen and Elliot would motivate it.

It’s still unclear whether Gretchen and Elliot will be major players in the series finale — it’s not likely that they’ll have a lot of screen time, given that they’ve only appeared in a handful of episodes and it’d be strange to spend too much of the finale with them. But, like Andrea, their importance to the motivations of a major character outweighs the number of episodes they’ve actually appeared in, so it feels exactly right that Breaking Bad should find a reason to include them in the final hour. Walt now has two businesses he’s started that have moved on without him, and since patching things up with his family seems out of the question, he now appears to be ready to go out with a bang. Or multiple bangs, perhaps. Uncle Jack has to go down, Lydia must be dealt with, and something’s going to happen between Jesse and Walt, because it’s the series finale. As for what will happen, it’s anybody’s guess. What state of mind is Walt in now? Will he want to redeem himself, or make his name more notorious than ever? Either way, I’m delighted that Gretchen and Elliot are a factor.

Rather than bide its time until the season finale, Breaking Bad went in a much more interesting direction, spending the last six episodes dealing with stuff that a show like Dexter would have saved until that last episode. Now, in the seventh an penultimate episode, Breaking Bad allows for the kind of offbeat episode you rarely see on television. It’s grim, and it doesn’t tread water the way TV episodes do. TV plots move forward, of course, but they can only go so far — usually they have to reset things to the status quo. Hank and Marie have to remain in the dark, Skyler must be obedient and keep quiet, Walt and Jesse must find reasons to cook together, because that’s the show. Except… not anymore. Breaking Bad has, bit by bit, broken down every expectation we have from an episode of Breaking Bad, and now, in “Granite State,” it’s totally free of the TV shackles, and instead moves forward the way the plot of a movie does.

It’s jarring to see the lives of these character finally unravel in a cinematic way — not slowly, but with the pace and urgency and stakes of a film. “Granite State” is a creative risk at this point in the series’ run, and I’m guessing that many fans may not have liked it. “Ozymandias” was a tough act to follow, but I’m glad there was a more ponderous episode before what I can only imagine will be a breathless finale. Yes, these people are all being tortured in ways that may feel excessively cruel, given what they’ve gone through already. Perhaps the last season should have been called Breaking Even Worse.

But it’s also exciting to see these characters in such wildly different places than we ever could have expected — Jesse, locked up in a far worse prison than the federal one he’s always narrowly escaped; Walt, isolated in icy New Hampshire; Skyler, a single mom ravaged by the press and occasionally threatened by masked psychopaths who stop by in the dead of night; Walter Jr., the kind of kid who tells his dad to die after fighting so hard to save his life in early seasons. Who would have guessed?

I have no gripes with “Granite State,” a quietly brilliant episode that isolates the core cast members in various prisons. Walt is the only one with the ability to escape his, even if this escape will likely end with him in an actual prison (if he doesn’t die first). My one qualm is that it gives the short shrift to Marie, who didn’t get much time to grieve over Hank in “Ozymandias,” and here does almost nothing. Sure, we all know that Marie is heartbroken at the loss of her hubby, and whatever’s going on with her probably isn’t as pressing as what we see in “Granite State.” I do hope, however, that she gets a big moment or two in the finale, because she’s the one character who hasn’t quite had her due in this final season. Her arc isn’t quite wrapped up the way everyone else’s is.

But as the Emmys wisely confirmed last night, Breaking Bad is television’s best drama. It has certainly lived up to that in the past few episodes, and there’s no reason to think that we aren’t gearing up for one seriously epic series finale on every level.

So take that, Dexter.

Grade: A*

“I did it for me. I liked it.”

And so it ends.

Can I now safely say that Breaking Bad was the best TV drama there ever was? Not without watching a whole lot of other TV dramas I haven’t caught up with yet, and not without stirring up a heated debate. There are a good number of other series that would vie for that title — the closest contender being The Sopranos, probably, in terms of popularity, critical kudos, and game-changiness. Unlike that series, Breaking Bad had a modest beginning, capturing the attention of only a handful of television viewers (including myself). It took three or four years before I could say, “Breaking Bad is the best show on TV right now” without being met with a blank stare.

Over the past six years, though, it has developed into a major pop culture staple — not just a flash in the pan, I think, but one that’ll be here to stay for years to come. There are all kinds of Breaking Bad memes out there; enough merchandise you’d think Walter White’s saga was a Disney movie; and if you happened to glance at Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter last night, you probably had your fix of chatter about this finale.

Best show ever? Who knows? Who can say, yet, so definitively? There will never be a consensus. This season, though, I’d venture to say that Breaking Bad achieved a level of pop culture relevance not even enjoyed by The Sopranos — you’ll see more Breaking Bad Halloween costumes out there than you would ever see from The Sopranos. This is, in part, because the show is viewable by more people thanks to Netflix and its home on AMC rather than HBO, and also because social media has made sharing our thoughts on pop culture a much bigger “thing” than it was a decade ago.

But it’s also because Breaking Bad is, like, a really good show, you guys.

Before I go overboard with my praise and suggest Walter White’s face be added to Mt. Rushmore, let’s talk “Felina,” the series finale. (A brief Google search uncovers that “Felina” is an anagram of “Finale,” and “FeLiNa” contains the periodic symbols for iron, lithium, and sodium.) In my eyes, Breaking Bad has essentially had two series finales already — “Ozymandias,” the climactic episode in which Walt lost everything he’d been fighting for all this time, and last week’s “Granite State,” which saw everyone reaping what they sowed in a seriously bummed out state of mind.

It was a clever tactic on Vince Gilligan’s part, because this way, everyone gets the Breaking Bad finale they needed. You want nail-biting suspense and jaw-dropping moments? “Ozymandias” has that in spades! Do you prefer grim drama and nearly unbearable loneliness to punish these characters for their wicked ways? Try “Granite State”! It has gloom and doom to spare! Or maybe you’d like some Tarantino-style revenge killing with a dollop of redemptive heroism in the end? If so, then “Felina” is the finale for you.

A tweak or two and either “Ozymandias” or “Granite State” could have sent Breaking Bad out fittingly. They were both terrific episodes in very different ways. But they also would have ended the show with a somewhat sour taste in our mouths — Hank freshly killed, the (even badder) bad guys winning, Walt facing the music for his crimes without any upside whatsoever. All for naught. That’s all fair, from a narrative standpoint, but would we really be satisfied? In its final hour, Breaking Bad lets up on the misery porn and allows itself to be fun again, having punished Walt, Jesse, Skyler, and the gang enough for one lifetime. Now it’s time to punish the people who really, really deserve it.

It’s not like Skyler and Marie are suddenly doing high-kicks in sequined outfits while Flynn warbles a ditty about the most important meal of the day, but compared to the last few episodes? “Felina” is like an episode of “Glee” next to “Ozymandias.” In the series finale, the people we want to die do and those we don’t, don’t. There’s some fan service here, but just the right amount — it satisfies without feeling like a cheapo cop out, a betrayal of everything that came before. Breaking Bad is not, never has been, and never wanted to be The Wire; though it has gone to very dark, dirty, and despairing places, what separates it is the lightness it manages to find between them. The show has always found a quirky, dry sense of humor even amidst shocking squalor and depravity; you wouldn’t think it’s funny, but it is.

Breaking Bad is many things, but above all, it’s a good time. To end on a pitch black note would not exactly be wrong, but it would drastically alter the way we felt about the show after it’s over. Imagine it ending with “Ozymandias.” Now imagine it ending with “Granite State.” The entire series feels different with each of those endings, right? After seeing “Felina,” I can say that it all feels of a piece; the tone of this last episode is about the same as the tone of the first. In fact, “Felina” may be the lightest hour of Breaking Bad we’ve seen in ages — which I know is a strange thing to say about an episode in which multiple people are gunned down and the final shot is of the hero’s dead or dying body. But really! “Felina” ends on the lightest note Breaking Bad could have ended on.

That is, without Hank popping up with a wink and a “gotcha!”, a reveal that Mike, Andrea, Drew Sharp, and the rest really did just take a trip to Belize, and that aforementioned musical number about breakfast.

Following last week’s distinctly cinematic “Granite State,” “Felina” is most definitely an hour of television, wrapping up (almost) all loose threads methodically and episodically. We watch as Walt makes his way through those flash-forwards (which are now the present) and check in with significant surviving characters like Skyler, Marie, Flynn, Badger, and Skinny Pete. The (very) cold open is a clever and foreboding bit of Breaking Badness, as police come to a stop outside the snow-covered truck Walt is hiding in… and then merely drive off again. (Snow wouldn’t have been able to save his ass in New Mexico.)

It’s another depiction of Walt’s curious luck, which allows him to escape near-catastrophic predicaments but only for a matter of time, until he is placed in some even graver danger; Walter White is the poster boy for that old cliche: “Out of the frying pan and into the fire.” This time, though, it’s pretty obvious (since it’s the final episode) that we’re about to see Walter White’s last stand. Luck is on his side for only a matter of days now.

Walt gets himself a machine gun and then heads home to collect his ricin, as we’ve seen. (Carol is unfortunately a no-show this time around, however.) We get an unnecessary and somewhat awkward flashback to the pilot, which may have just been a way for Dean Norris to make an appearance — it steered dangerously close to a “clips episode” moment, something Breaking Bad should be above. (I’m rarely a fan of flashbacks to scenes we’ve already seen that exist primarily to tell us what a character is thinking.) From there, Breaking Bad is officially moving forward in time after our first flash-forward in “Live Free Or Die” more than a year ago.

Posing as a New York Times reporter, Walt finds his way to Gretchen and Elliot’s new mansion in a masterful sequence that is also quite narratively tidy. Last week’s cameo from Gretchen and Elliot was a major surprise to most Breaking Bad fans, motivating Walt’s decision not to give himself up to the police at the last minute. We knew he was returning to New Mexico with some heavy artillery (the machine gun) and some light artillery (the ricin) — would one of these be used on the Grey Matter moguls? It was somewhat unlikely, since Walt has never killed in cold blood with such premeditation; he’s not pure evil. Heisenberg going all homicidal like that would have been a bit of a shark jump.

Instead, it was likely that Gretchen and Elliot’s appearance merely motivated Walt to return to New Mexico to reclaim his legacy somehow; his ego demanded that he go out on a Heisenberg-y note rather than as a sickly old man in a remote cabin in the woods. We had no guarantee that the Schwartzes would appear in the series finale. But as it turns out, they did. And Walt’s reason for visiting them was more practical than we anticipated.

Before we learn what it is, though, Breaking Bad teases us brilliantly, demonstrating exactly why this series has been such a fascinating ride. Here we are, in the series finale, and we have no idea what the protagonist will do to these people. If he pulled out a gun and shot them point blank, we’d be surprised… but we’d believe it. Even this late in the game, Breaking Bad can tease us with whether or not the main character is a homicidal maniac, which is impressive. Walt creeping around the Schwartz house is as unsettling as anything you’ll see in a horror movie because it’s really not clear what the fuck he’s doing there; he doesn’t even have to make a threat to be completely terrifying. Apparently, by reputation, he’s achieved that. Gretchen and Elliott have the same reaction as neighbor Carol at the mere sight of him. The word has spread — Heisenberg is bad news.

And yet — this is a weak middle-aged man with just a matter of months to live. Like Gus Fring, he’s intimidating because we know what he’s capable of. And the Heisenberg name has gotten far bigger than the man, since these days Walt is suspected of far more malice than he actually intends. The reason for his visit turns out to be much more linear than imagined — at the end of “Granite State,” he tried and failed to send money to Flynn; he saw Gretchen and Elliott on TV and thought, “Hmm… I know a way I can get him the money!” But we all thought he was there for a more nefarious purpose, didn’t we?

In this sequence, Breaking Bad has its cake and eats it too. Viewers love Heisenberg as a villain. The last few episodes have been leaning toward a more redeemable, less reckless Walter White, one who refused to murder his DEA agent brother-in-law, fought to save Jesse for as long as he could, tried to clear Skyler’s name with the police, and safely returned baby Holly to her mother before running off cross-country. Of course, it’s always possible that he snapped and decided to kill all his old enemies, regardless of their innocence, which is why this suspense sequence remains full of foreboding. In the end, though, this is a scene depicting a sick man leaving money for his son… a sweet, well-intentioned gesture that we’re not entirely sure won’t end in a bloodbath.

After requesting their help in setting up a trust for Flynn, thus ensuring he gets a piece of the pie after all, Walt waves his arms in a genius Heisenberg-y moment and suddenly, Gretchen and Elliot have lasers trained on them. His threat is utterly convincing, both to the Schwartzes and to us — even though, moments later, we learn that Badger and Skinny Pete are the “snipers.” It’s all just another Walter White con. The scene satisfies the piece of us that revels in Heisenbergian badassery while ultimately allowing Walt to remain the good guy in this final hour. Not an easy feat, but one Breaking Bad has always excelled at.From there, Walt crashes Lydia and Todd’s tea party, a surprise that neither is too keen on. We expect Lydia to freak out when anything looks even mildly suspicious, but now Todd, too, has turned on his former mentor. Lydia’s tea with soy milk and Stevia makes a notable appearance — the Stevia might as well have spelled out “R.I.P., Lydia!” as she stirred it into the cup. It’s so obviously the ricin going into the tea that it can’t possibly be the ricin going into the tea. It is, though — as we learn at the end of the episode, with Lydia feeling a bit sniffly as Walt explains why.

If I have one gripe with “Felina,” it might be this — Breaking Bad is usually so masterful with misdirection, it’s strange that Lydia was killed so obviously. Walt almost pulled the old ricin/Stevia switcheroo way back in “Gliding Over All” last year; you’d think they wouldn’t return to that same old well a year later. I thought it was a red herring — that the ricin would pop up elsewhere after we’d been faked out about the tea. But like I said, “Felina” is a fan service episode, and so many fans were waiting for Lydia’s death by Stevia that, I suppose, it had to be done. I found it mildly disappointing, along with the way Walt spelled it out to her (and us) on the phone. Surely there could have been some surprise there.

Notice how we’ve gotten this far in the finale and not seen any of the core cast members besides Walt? Now we finally get to Skyler, who has relocated to some rather, um, modest digs… and, happily, reconnected with her sister. Marie calls to warn Skyler that Walt is back in town, and we see that despite her grief over Hank’s death, Marie hasn’t changed in the slightest. She’s still a busybody. She still believes that the forces of good will triumph over the forces of Heisenberg. (Another bit of fan service: Marie confuses neighbors Carol and Becky, which many Breaking Bad fans also did when Carol appeared in “Blood Money.”) Trouble is: Walt is already standing in Skyler’s kitchen.

After ensuring his money will get to his son, Walt now gives Skyler the gift of a lottery ticket leading to her brother-in-law’s remains. (Gee, thanks, honey!) He thinks she can use it as leverage to get herself out of whatever legal trouble she’s still in, and while that probably isn’t as enticing to the DEA as other leverage she’s possessed, it may be enough. It’s all Walt has to offer at this point.

The scene is reasonably brief but also on-point; it’s an interaction between married people who know they’re done with each other. There’s obviously still some affection here — even, I think, on Skyler’s end. (She doesn’t run screaming out of the place, at least.) What’s done is done, and Skyler seems to know that Walt finally has his head and his heart in the right place… or at least, the rightest place they can be after all that’s happened. Walt finally admits that his actions were selfish, motivated by ego and greed, and not for the family. Apparently all that time alone in New Hampshire taught him something after all. It was only getting away with murder that helped him realize he actually didn’t want to get away with it at all.

It’s surprising to see Skyler takes such a small role in the finale — though she’s had plenty to do this season, and certainly quite a showcase for Anna Gunn’s Emmy-winning acting chops. Flynn doesn’t even get a line of dialogue in this episode, instead observed from afar as he comes home from school — but wasn’t enough said last week? Once you’ve said “die already!” to your father, where can you go from there? I enjoyed the fact that we see only as much of Flynn as Walt does; Walt has sinned too greatly to earn more. Flynn is lost to him.

I’m slightly saddened that Marie didn’t have a larger role in the last few episodes, though; she was always essentially an accessory for Hank, not exactly a pivotal character. But still. That’s probably why I wanted her to have a bigger moment, something unexpected. Every other character — even Flynn — got a scene or two of reckoning and closure, one that really cut to the heart of that character. Marie didn’t even get any screen time to grieve for her presumed-dead husband. I wanted a little something more from her at some point in these last three episodes; instead, all of Walt’s former family plays a pretty minor role in “Felina.” Just as they play a pretty minor role in his life these days.

And then comes the big showdown, a scene featuring the show’s two key figures (who haven’t spent much time together this season). Walt deliberately steps into the trap Lydia and Todd set for him, finding himself on the other end of Uncle Jack’s gun just as Hank was a couple episodes back. This time, however, Walt manages to buy some time, identifying Jesse as Uncle Jack’s “partner” and setting the old Nazi off in a fit of prideful rage to retrieve the prisoner.

Jesse has, at this point, been enslaved for the better part of a year — even seeing Walt can’t elicit much of a reaction from this ghost of a man. Walt pounces on Jesse, seeing how broken he is, feeling some of that old sympathy — and probably guilt, too, given that he’s the one responsible for these months of torment. The machine gun in his trunk pops up to conveniently wipe out Uncle Jack and all his men. It’s a bit of Breaking Bad magic that’s a little hard to buy if you think about it — so don’t. On this show, such things happen. Walt’s lucky, remember?

Todd escapes the shower of bullets, but not Jesse’s wrath. Andrea’s death and months of captivity are avenged as Jesse strangles Todd with his shackles, ensuring that Todd has served his last bowl of Americone Dream. A barely-alive Uncle Jack tries to negotiate with Walt, offering info about his money. Too little, too late — Hank’s death should have proven that that money is no last-minute life saver. As was done to Hank, Walt blows his head off mid-sentence, demonstrating that it’s finally no longer about the money for Walt. Lesson learned.

Walt passes Jesse the gun. Jesse raises it. Walt wants to die now, and wants Jesse to make it happen. Not much is said — it’s a minimal interaction, since most of us what needs to happen between these two has happened already. Suffice to say that in this episode, each man spares the other’s life, which is about the most kindness we can expect at this point. Jesse thinks it over and refuses, gets into a car, emitting crazed laughter and a howl of relief/disbelief as he heads for… Alaska? Or wherever Brock has been crashing? It’s pretty unclear what’s in Jesse Pinkman’s future, since he’ll surely face a lot of trouble as he tries to reestablish a life for himself. (Hooking back up with the Vacuum Cleaner Salesman is unlikely.) This way, it’s up to the audience to imagine an ending for Jesse, be it happy (playing father to the orphaned Brock in the Alaskan wilderness) or more realistic (prison). (Without Hank and Gomez around, is he still a wanted associate of Heisenberg, or has the trail gone cold?)

“Felina” is very much the Walter White Show, with the supporting cast appearing only briefly. We see mere glimpses of the fates of Marie, Flynn, Skyler, and Jesse. Where they end up — and how happy they can ever be — is up for debate.

The fate of Walter White, however, is far from ambiguous. After Jesse refuses to add one more death to his kill list, Walt takes a stroll down to Todd’s meth lab and dies of a bullet wound anyway. It’s a semi-heroic ending, as he has saved Jesse, taken out the remaining bad guys (who still posed a threat to his family), and finally stopped evading the cops. Nearly everything Walt does in “Felina” is “the right thing,” and that’s somewhat surprising after six years of watching Mr. Chips become Scarface, as was Vince Gilligan’s intent.

For such an atypical show, Breaking Bad ends, perhaps, a bit more typically than we expected. Walter White is redeemed rather than crucified. It’s the kind of ending we’ve seen in plenty of movies — a Hollywood ending. It’s not controversial or ambiguous by any means. It’s not perplexing or challenging. It’s one that’s meant to satisfy the largest number of people, the kind movie studios and TV networks aim for. Is that a good thing? Or did Breaking Bad owe it to its fans to remain unpredictable and unconventional right up until the bitter end?

Like I said, anyone who wanted Breaking Bad to end differently essentially got their wish in “Ozymandias” and “Granite State.” Vince Gilligan was probably smart to end on a high note, giving fans exactly what they were looking for. The bad guys die in an over-the-top explosion of payback violence, the protagonist sacrifices himself, the women and children are safe at home, and the sidekick rides off into the sunset. When you break it down this way, Breaking Bad turns out to be remarkably traditional, very black-and-white. The detail and nuance we saw along the way help it to stand out, but now that it’s one complete story, with this particular beginning and end, it doesn’t seem so daringly different after all.

And so it’s over. Breaking Bad fans are collectively saddened and satisfied. There’s a palpable disappointment in the air, because a great show went out with a bang and there’s nothing comparable out there to entertain us anymore. This series started strong and ended even better, with every single episode between providing an exemplary hour of television. It never hit a false note or took a wrong step — how many shows can say that? Even The Sopranos had at least one truly bad episode.

In ending this way, Breaking Bad feels more like a complete work than just about any other show I can think of —the episodes feel more like individual chapters of a book than hours of television. Vince Gilligan never had a crystal clear vision of the end, but it feels like he knew everything that was going to happen, every step of the way, for all 62 episodes. It’s one complete story. Iit’s a work of art. And now that we know how it ends, we’ll rewatch those episodes and perhaps see Walter White and his actions differently than we did the first time around. It’s not the story of a man becoming a monster — it’s the story of a man becoming a monster becoming a man again. That’s a more optimistic outlook than many of us were expecting, especially once Season Five went down such a dark path.

Like any work of art, Breaking Bad will take some time to process now that it’s complete. It has almost certainly raised the bar for TV drama — expect plenty of imitations popping up on other networks, none of them as good. Breaking Bad a unique entry into the pop culture canon, so let’s take a moment to be grateful that this dark and moody little show, populated by (then) little-known actors, managed to not only find an audience but also to become the talked-about show on TV. An Emmy winner, a game changer. And all the while, remaining true to its original vision.

It’s rare that TV — or, well, anything — is quite this good these days, but as long as we live in a world where Breaking Bad is possible, I’ll hold out hope and find a reason to go on, even if my heart is a little heavy after losing so many of my fucked up TV friends last night. This finale wasn’t quite Breaking Bad‘s strongest episode — I prefer unpredictable, gut-wrenching, “Ozymandias”-style drama — but it didn’t need to be. I’m satisfied that everyone else is satisfied. I’m glad that my favorite show of recent years became everybody else’s favorite, too. And I know that these characters will love on in the public consciousness for years to come.

We’ll grapple with Walter White’s actions and debate just how good or bad he really was, how weak he was, or how capable. Was he the legendary Heisenberg or the meek and pathetic Walter White? Was he heroic for saving his family and Jesse in the eleventh hour, or a devil for placing them in danger in the first place? There may not be any more episodes of Breaking Bad left, but this show isn’t over until you can rewatch all the episodes without asking such questions. It’s a rich enough series that it will be remembered long after its gone, its impact felt like a ripple effect. Walter White would certainly be pleased that his name will live on in this way.

Grade: A

*

And now it’s time to talk TV.

I don’t watch a whole lot of TV, compared to the average American. The number of reality shows I watch regularly — or ever, unless I’m a captive audience — is zero. (Yes, this includes all housewives from any given location, dynasties related to any fowl, and anything that could make me hungry.) I don’t currently watch any network dramas — I gave Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. a brief whirl, but only because Joss Whedon’s name was on it.

So am I the foremost person to put forth a definitive list of the best television of 2013? No, but I’m doing it anyway. And before you complain about their absences — I don’t watch The Good Wife. I’ve seen only the first two episodes of Scandal. I have yet to check out Masters Of Sex. And I have no interest in The Walking Dead. Have we covered your faves?

Still, I like to think that the cream of the crop pretty much rises up to wherever I am. If it’s really good, I’ll find it. I do subscribe to HBO, by the way, so you’ll find a disproportionate amount of their programming in my year-end list. (Then again, that’s true of most TV kudos. HBO is just good!)

So. From red weddings to blue meth, from black orphans to white girls in orange jumpsuits, here’s the best of 2013 on TV, according to me.

10. HELLO LADIES

Ladies first! (Since we’re going backward.) In the grand tradition of The Office, Community, Veep, The Comeback, and plenty of other recent comedies in which the protagonist is not wholly embraceable, here is Stephen Merchant’s comedy about an average guy (let’s call him a 5) who dreams of finding himself on the arm (and between the legs) of a perfect 10. To accomplish this lofty goal, gawky Englishman Stuart Pritchard will throw any and all of his pals under the bus — which nearly always ends up biting him in the ass.

Hello Ladies is a savvy satire about superficiality in Los Angeles, with Stuart and his actress roommate Jessica (Christine Woods) simultaneously struggling in their own ways for attention and affection from all the wrong sources. Neither is a wholly admirable character, as both are driven primarily by shallow goals to be the envy of their peers. But there’s something relatable and even slightly sympathetic about their egocentric behavior, since it really stems from insecurity. (It’s especially resonant for those of us familiar with the entertainment industry and drenched in LA culture.) The best of these moments might be the episode in which Stuart and Jessica hit up a prissy party in the hills, only to find themselves ousted once Jessica humiliates herself with an old tap-dancing routine and Stuart tells increasingly homophobic jokes that don’t land well with the gays in attendance.

The end of Season One gets particularly strong as Stuart and Jessica have a bonding moment just before each gets closer to achieving their dream (at least temporarily). Let’s hope HBO doesn’t pull a Comeback and decide to cancel another smart and awkwardly funny industry-centric comedy focusing on a self-centered, try-hard buffoon. Hello Ladies has all the ingredients to become one of the most sophisticated comedies on TV.

9. MAD MEN

From Ladies to Men. Was this Mad Men‘s very finest season? Perhaps not. But when is Mad Men ever less than great? Season Six saw Don Draper return to his philandering (with a neighbor lady played by Linda Cardellini), Peggy working under Ted instead of Don (in more ways than one), and the assassinations of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Bobby Kennedy as we move later into the 60s (and further away from the societal trappings and gender dynamics we began the show with). At this point, Don and Peggy and Joan and Roger and even Betty and Pete feel like old chums. It’s nice just to spend time with them, no matter what they say or do. These characters are so compellingly drawn, the actors so settled into these roles, that a little narrative meandering can be easily forgiven — and sometimes, totally welcome.

Mad Men mirrors real life better than almost any other show out there. People come and go the way they do in the world, not according to the sensational methods of prime time television. We seldom catch Mad Men being “written,” and in a way, that’s more true of Season Six than any other. There was no specific narrative momentum, with Peggy’s somewhat soapy flirtation with Ted providing the clearest season arc, while Don was in a hazy no man’s land story-wise, displaying some of his least sympathetic moments to date. (He really was pretty nasty to Sylvia.)

Season Six’s most distinctive episode was the offbeat “The Crash,” which found these men going literally mad for once, as the whole firm tripped out on a “stimulant” that left Ken tap-dancing and Don flashing back to his childhood in a whorehouse — just as his own kids were engaging in an equally trippy interaction with an elderly thief in their apartment. It was a clever way to shake things up in a season that, previously, had been treading some familiar waters. (But again, they’re such good waters… who cares?) 8. AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN

Witches and zombies and minotaurs, oh my. A better title for this (or any) season of Ryan Murphy’s macabre miniseries would be American Horror Story: Everything But The Kitchen Sink. (But then he wouldn’t be able to include a demonic kitchen sink, too.) This season is only sporadically about a coven of witches (actually, two covens); it has also taken detours to explore a ghostly axe murderer, an order of witch hunters, and several forms of zombies.

Yes, it’s problematic the way the show keeps killing off characters as if it’s still shocking, only to predictably resurrect them the following week. Murphy has proven that anyone can an will be brought back from the dead (it’s not even that difficult!). Both in terms of story and character, the show is all over the map; as with many Murphy series, it seems the writers of different episodes have no contact with one another, making up the rules as they go along on an episode-by-episode basis. Don’t look for continuity anywhere in this witch’s brew.

Complaints aside, though, Coven is compulsively watchable, filled to the brim with campy performances, punchy one-liners, and gruesome water-cooler (or should that be cauldron?) moments. The acting and writing can be hit or miss, but a few performers always deliver — Emma Roberts as a bitchy young witch, Jessica Lange as a bitchy old witch, and Angela Basset as a bitchy black witch. (I specify that she’s black because Coven never lets us forget it. The show hits racial themes so hard, they must be borrowing Thor’s hammer.)

With Game Of Thrones and Breaking Bad currently off-air, Coven is the closest thing to Event TV on the air at the moment — the rare show that must be watched live, lest you be spoiled. For better or worse, that means cliff-hangers and gotchas galore. In recent weeks, Coven has paled in comparison to its more cohesive early episodes, its plot sprawling, introducing new characters we didn’t need, since we started off with so many in the first place. Here’s hoping the series comes back strong in January to finish these bitches off with a bang.

7. BEHIND THE CANDELABRA

It doesn’t get any gayer than this. Steven Soderbergh has vented his frustration with studio movies — and understandably so. Behind The Candelabra was pitched as a theatrical release and roundly passed on before HBO picked up the slack. The film has two major stars and delves into the popular musician biopic genre — no-brainer, right? Though to be fair, it’s also one of the gayest movies I’ve ever seen, and it’s easy to see why no studios thought this would play well across the board.

But it’s fabulous and fantastic. Michael Douglas is Liberace, and oh, what a Liberace he is. The man won an Emmy for a performance that captures many of Lee’s eccentricities without devolving into caricature. His Liberace has a soul, even if it’s a rather dark soul for most of the story. And Matt Damon gives it his all as Liberace’s man-candy, Scott Thorson, who also hits some unsavory places over the course of this movie. Rob Lowe pops in for a hilariously over-the-top supporting role as Liberace’s plastic surgeon of choice — and he really does seem to be made of plastic. It’s fun to see these normally serious actors camping it up, yet it’s never condescending. That’s a hard balance to strike.

Behind The Candelabra is startlingly honest about the dark side of gay relationships (well, some gay relationships) in a time where pro-gay “they’re just like us!” / “we’re just like you!” messages are trendier. No, not every gay coupling will follow Lee and Scott’s tragic trajectory, but many of them did (minus many of the sequins and sparkles). Behind The Candelabra doesn’t make these famous figure more sympathetic than they need to be — they’re not martyrs. They’re vain, materialistic, flawed men whose lives are far from enviable, once you peek behind the curtain (or candelabra). It’s gay romance at its worst.

But the movie is Soderbergh at his best. The opulent visuals are to die for, while the end manages to be truly endearing despite the judgments we may have of Liberace’s shallow, self-idolizing lifestyle. If you somehow missed the TV movie event of the year, do yourself a favor and seek it out. It’s a lot of surface and a little bit of substance by design, but overall, it’s a good time.

6. THE GOLDBERGS

Believe it or not, the networks did the unthinkable this fall and released a whole bunch of completely watchable sitcoms. There’s the offbeat police comedy Brooklyn Nine-Nine, the oft-winning Trophy Wife, the odd-couple pairing of Sarah Michelle Gellar and Robin Williams in The Crazy Ones, and the amiable (but uncreatively titled) Michael J. Fox Show. (There’s also Mom, Dads, and Sean Saves The World, but the less said about them, the better.)

Are any of these must-watches? Probably not. But one diamond shines in the rough, and that’s The Goldbergs — which is kind of like a Jewish version of The Wonder Years.

In this case, the adult man flashing back to his past is Adam F. Goldberg (played by Sam Giambrone as a child, adult version voiced by Patton Oswalt). The show hews closely to Goldberg’s actual childhood in suburban Pennsylvania (obviously, not even their last name was changed). Goldberg’s actual home movies from the era (of which there are hundreds, apparently) are thrown in at the end to prove that, yes, his family really was this crazy.

The series follows the usual domestic hijinks of any sitcom, but in a funnier and more heartfelt way. Jeff Carlin and George Segal co-star as Adam’s father and grandfather, respectively, with Hayley Orrantia and Troy Gentile as his night-and-day siblings — she a popular girl, he a freak. The series’ MVP, though, is Bridesmaids’ Wendi McLendon-Covey, who provides most of the heart and laughs as the well-meaning but meddlesome matriarch. The eighties nostalgia works in the series’ favor, allowing it to be so much less cynical and canned than other sitcoms, which tend to wink at the audience. There’s nothing particularly ironic about this one — it wears its heart on its puffy, too-colorful track suit sleeve.

There’s nothing particularly groundbreaking about The Goldbergs, except that it’s a fresh and likable network family comedy you can feel good about watching. Which, these days, actually is pretty remarkable. 5. GAME OF THRONES

Two words: red wedding. For anyone who hasn’t read George R.R. Martin’s books, it was the most shocking TV event of the year. Or the decade. Or maybe ever? Game Of Thrones has never been shy about killing off likable, popular characters — decapitating the ostensible hero near the end of the first season — but this reached a new level of brutality on episodic TV. The Starks were the closest thing to “heroes” we had, by far the most relatable characters in this sinister, pseudo-magical world. Plus, they’d already suffered the loss of patriarch Ned, so killing off so many more of them in one fell swoop? It’s merciless storytelling. (Seriously — haven’t these people been through enough?!?)

Game Of Thrones is a difficult series to critique. Raise a concern about a plot point that’s dragging, and someone is bound to tell you, “But it’s from the books!” The production values are so high, the language so flowery, that it’s easy to get lost and think that it’s your fault certain characters or scenes don’t connect. Still, there were storylines in Season Three we spent a lot of time on with little payoff. John Snow’s romance with Ygritte took up more screen time than it needed to, and I don’t care how many people tell me Bran Stark’s storyline is gearing up for something major — almost every one of his Season Three scenes was a snore. (And there were so many!) Westeros is populated by so many rich characters with such potential that it’s a shame to waste so much of an episode on filler. And, after the shocking events of “The Rains Of Castemere,” the season finale was (predictably) a bit of letdown.

Yet Season Three still had a number of highlights — the awkward engagements of Cersei and Tyrion (and their priceless reactions), the strange friendship (courtship?) between Jaime and Brienne (it’s always fun when a bad guy goes kinda good), and almost anything involving Daenerys or Margaery. (Plus any scene featuring Diana Rigg as bitchy old Olenna is an automatic winner.)

It takes a bold show to not only go through with the Red Wedding, but take it to an even further extreme (poor Talisa!). It was, quite frankly, a landmark TV moment that tested what extremes a TV series can even go to in terms of cruelty toward beloved characters (and the audience). Game Of Thrones isn’t the same show it was before that moment, yet we hear from those pesky book-readers that it’s only the beginning…

4. ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK

The long-awaited return of Arrested Development was supposed to be Netflix’s big triumph of 2013, but instead, the buzzy Bluths were trumped by original series House Of Cards and Orange Is The New Black. I gave House Of Cards a try, but it couldn’t hold my interest; Orange Is The New Black, however, hooked me the way it hooked just about everyone else I know. Within a week, I’d devoured the whole first season and was left wanting more.

Orange Is The New Black could have gone wrong in so many ways; the very same ways Weeds started going wrong a few seasons in. (They share a creator, Jenji Kohan.) As in Weeds, we follow an upper-class white woman into a world we don’t typically see upper-class white women in, and watch as her polite personality conflicts with a harsher, meaner populace. This provides plenty of fun, particularly in the first few episodes, and Taylor Schilling’s performance as Piper is not to be overlooked. Yet it’s this show’s colorful supporting characters that truly make it must-stream TV — most are not “types” as we typically see in comedies (though Orange Is The New Black is a dramedy); they’re fully fleshed-out, even if they only have a few minutes of screen time.

Smartly, each episodes tends to focus on a supporting character whose history somewhat mirrors what’s going on in the present. There’s a rather sprawling collection of women in this penitentiary, the best of whom are Taystee (Danielle Brooks), Sophia (Laverne Cox), Lorna (Yael Stone), Daya (Dascha Polanko), Nicky (Natasha Lyonne) and Crazy Eyes (Uzo Aduba). Whoops, I just named half the cast, didn’t I? The supporting players of Orange Is The New Black truly do come from all walks of life, with a wild variety of races and sexual orientations that is probably unprecedented in any series. And yes, there are a couple potent male characters to provide an even balance.

If the show has a flaw, it’s in making the villains a little too big and broad — I’m thinking of Pennsatucky and Porn Stache, mainly. The tone of the series is nothing if not uneven, but somehow it all works. We laugh and yet we feel for these people. We’re invested in what happens to them.

To date, this is the internet’s best offering in terms of original content, proof that the future of TV is online — to hell with those pesky cable companies and their outrageously high prices. Orange Is The New Black isn’t like network TV at all, and isn’t trying to be; it’s not even exactly like cable. It is refreshingly, zestily original, which is exactly why it became such a sensation, and hopefully we’ll get more daring, out-of-the-box creations like it in the future. Out with the old, in with the New? Yes, please.

3. ORPHAN BLACK

It’s been a spell since American TV really nailed the thrill-a-minute suspense genre, but our neighbors to the north got it right with this one. Orphan Black is one part Alias, one part Dollhouse, and all parts amazing. Our heroine is Sarah Manning, a wrong-side-of-the-tracks orphan who encounters a woman named Beth who looks exactly like her — seconds before she jumps in front of a train. Sarah decides to assume this stranger’s identity — but that Ringer-like set-up is only the jumping off point for a much more ambitious story. Sarah soon encounters a number of other doubles, some of whom are more malevolent than others.

Orphan Black is compulsively watchable, a lot of it thanks to lead Tatiana Maslany’s incredible performance(s). She inhabits a number of different roles flawlessly. Each is so different, there’s never a question about who is who (unless there’s supposed to be). Some of her characters are comedic, others disturbing, others warm, others badass. Maslany’s versatility between genres is pretty astonishing — and puts Jennifer Garner’s Sydney Bristow to shame. Sarah is a terrific protagonist, but she’s made better with the help of Maslany’s other characters — namely, the chipper but lethal suburban housewife Alison and the geeky science nerd lesbian Cosima, not to mention Season One’s mentally unstable villainess, Helena.

And let’s not forget the characters not played by Tatiana Maslany — such as Beth’s hunky boyfriend Paul (Dylan Bruce) and her BFF foster brother Felix (Jordan Gavaris), a drug-dealing prostitute. Fun!

Orphan Black‘s second season will debut in 2014, so it’s easy to jump on board now with the first ten episodes. Season One is virtually flawless, particularly in the earliest episodes and the riveting season finale. If you’re not hooked by the pilot, you may not be human.

2. ENLIGHTENED

There were actually two horrific killings on HBO series this year — one being the epically gruesome slaughter of the Starks on Game Of Thrones, as well as the axing of Enlightened. For as much love as I’ve given HBO on this list, they also made one of 2013′s most epic mistakes — pulling a Comeback and cancelling a brilliant but offbeat half-hour series before its time. (At least they gave it two seasons, as opposed to Valerie Cherish’s precious one.)

While most of Season One was spent setting up Laura Dern’s fascinatingly flawed Amy Jellicoe, on a plot level, the show meandered. (It was very good meandering, but it was still definitely meandering.) Season Two, however, finally took Amy to her logical conclusion, as she made big steps in taking down the corporation that screwed her over (which she happens to still work for).

Enlightened is about the pursuit of happiness, following a heroine who truly believes that thinking positively and doing the right thing can get her there — even when it’s clear from the reactions of the people around her that she may be doing more harm than good. Amy can be a difficult person to like, because we have to wonder if all of her caring and sharing isn’t really just a brittle facade or in service of her revenge. But in the end, we have to admire her, especially as she truly does become the David to Abaddon’s Goliath.

Season Two brought such memorable developments as the surprisingly tender romance between Tyler (Mike White) and Eileen (Molly Shannon), crazy Dougie’s unexpected involvement in the quest to take Abaddon down, and Amy’s would-be relationship with an LA Times reporter (Dermot Mulroney) who is quite possibly just using her to get a sensational story. (But she’s kinda using him also.) Kudos to Mike White, who wrote every episode, and Laura Dern, whose thoughtful performance anchors the show. Enlightened ended on a high note, and a dramatically satisfying and complete one — but I’d still like to know what happens to them all after this.

R.I.P., Amy Jellicoe.

1. BREAKING BAD

And R.I.P. Walter White.

If you thought there was even a chance I wouldn’t list the final season of one of the greatest TV shows of all time in the #1 slot, you clearly have stumbled upon this blog by mistake.

What’s left to say that I haven’t said already? The stakes were high as Breaking Bad wrapped up its final season; it was watched my more people than ever before, thanks to great word of mouth (you’re welcome) and Netflix streaming. It could have been a disappointing disaster, as some final seasons are, but instead it was possibly the strongest season of AMC’s Emmy-winning drama yet. (Yes, this series finally got its Emmy due — as did a very deserving Anna Gunn.)

“Ozymandias” alone is one of the greatest episodes of television of all time — we waited years for the confrontation between Walt and Skyler to erupt in violence, and still it unfolded in a way none of us could have predicted. We also had to say farewell to one major character a few episodes before the end — it’s useless to avoid spoilers at this point, but I’ll do it anyway. The long-gestating cat-and-mouse games built into the series from the beginning finally paid off, with the mice now aware of who Walter White really was at his deep, dark core — and each character, from Hank to Marie to Walter Jr. and even Jesse, had a distinct reaction.

Ultimately, Walter White wasn’t exactly redeemed, but he didn’t go down the darkest path available to him; he remained human, as did they all. Breaking Bad could have gone for pure sensationalism — outrageous shocks and explosive violence. Instead, it delivered all that while remaining true to these characters, true to the original vision of this series. Somehow, it truly did feel like Gilligan had planned out every step of this story from the very beginning. (But that wasn’t the case.)

The final season of Breaking Bad was by far the bleakest, even in a show that ended Season Two with not just one but two planes raining bodies down over ABQ. By the time we got to those final four episodes, this series had a cold vice grip on our hearts, yet somehow Vince Gilligan and his team of crafty mad geniuses delivered absolutely every kind of payoff we could have wanted. “Ozymandias” was merciless and jaw-dropping and intense; “Granite State” somber and reflective and punishing; “Felina” clever and cathartic and yes, even fun, wrapping the show up as neatly as possible on a narrative level without being morally tidy. This is how you do TV, people.

Breaking Bad, we already miss you. There’s still no one to replace you on our TV screens. And yet we cherish the times we had together, the ups and the downs, the laughter and tears. (And meth!)

You are gone, but not forgotten. Thank you for doing your part in making 2013 a very good year on TV.

*

Happy New Year!

This little blog of mine has existed for a little over three years now, and you know what? The more I blog, the more I realize what ignorant freaks the human race can be, thanks to the magic of Google.

Google has helped a handful of people find my blog for perfectly relevant reason — they come seeking Looking or Comeback recaps, comparisons of Black Swan to Birdman, or an explanation of what the hell Enemy is about. Just as often, however, it brings assorted masturbators and perverts to my photo gallery, seeking all sorts of unsavory things. (Some of which they may find on HardintheCity, some of which they may not.)

A lot of Google searches are your basic filth, while plenty are completely nonsensical and defy logic. I’m growing more and more certain that extraterrestrials are studying us through Google, but have not quite managed to get a grip on English syntax yet.

Here are my favorite Google searches from the past year — some hilarious, some creepy, and some utterly baffling.

“lady from breaking bad”

There are several to choose from. Skyler? Marie? Lydia? Andrea? Gretchen? Maybe even little Holly…? You probably mean Skyler. Anna Gunn has an Emmy, so learn her fucking name.

“bug and salud skylars boobs”

Skyler’s boobs in “Bug” and “Salud”? Awesome. Please don’t bother me with Skyler’s boobs from any other episodes of Breaking Bad in which Skyler’s boobs were inferior.

“did holly get killed to’hajiilee”

No! Breaking Bad‘s precious baby Holly is alive and well. Breaking Bad may have been bleak at times, but it wasn’t that bleak. What show were you watching?

“breaking bad jesse died”

No. He didn’t.

“breaking bad that scene walter say: im not in danger i am the danger”

Eh, close enough.

“breaking bad why was skyler heavier”

Well… she wasn’t! That’s just the warped standards of beauty Hollywood imposes on actresses making anyone who is actually human being-sized look like a rhino in comparison. I’m glad you asked! Aren’t you?

“christina hendricks hefty”

Rude.

“christina hendricks groped”

Who did she grope? Oh, wait, you probably meant Christina Hendricks being groped, didn’t you?

“christina hendricks gagged”

Boy, Google really has it out for Christina Hendricks.

“madmen season 2 when joan sits on bed and takes bra strap off”

I do have a picture of this very moment, which occurred in Season 2, Episode 8, “A Night To Remember,” my third favorite Mad Men moment of all time.

“what happens to chauncey in mad men”

Good question. We will probably never know. Poor Chauncey.

“hbo looking scene”

Any scene from Looking? Any scene at all?

“patrick patrick (jonathan groff)”

Typing it twice won’t help with your vague search.

“looking in the mirror, grindr guy”

Pretty much every guy on Grindr is looking in the mirror. Oh, but I think this was referring to the TV show Looking.

“comeback lisa kudrow love paulie g”

I’m pretty sure this is not the case. In fact, the only person who would think that is Paulie G…

“is the comeback renewed”

I hope so!

“buffy et le scooby gang”

Do they not translate “Scooby gang” when it’s aired abroad? It sounds so much sexier in French!

“what does the black principal on buffy do wrong”

He Googles senseless questions about defunct TV shows that are vaguely racist. No, wait… that was you.

“orange is the new black prison guard matthew mccoughnehay”

Matthew McConaughey is a little too busy winning Oscars to play a bit part in a Netflix show. And none of the prison guards look anything like Matthew McConaughey. So… what?

“albert brooks naked”

Because who doesn’t sit around and idly think about Albert Brooks in the buff?

“adam arkin naked”

The only person I can seriously believe Googled this was Adam Arkin.

“rhea perlman nude”

Seriously? Danny DeVito, is that you?

“viola davis naked nude”

No results yet, but at this rate it’s bound to happen on How To Get Away With Murder before long.

“robert de niro nude”

Too bad Google wasn’t around back in De Niro’s heyday, he wasn’t a bad-looking fellow back then. Are you looking for vintage-era De Niro nudes, or current ones? It makes a big difference.

“free naked pictures of stacy keach.”

Naturally, yes, they would be free. I can’t imagine anyone going into business trying to make money off of Stacy Keach nudes. Then again, someone out there is obviously into it…

“lena dunham fucking”

Watch an episode of Girls. Any episode of Girls! You’ll get what you came for.

“anna kendrick naked and having sex”

Do not bother me with pictures of Anna Kendrick naked and merely going about her day-to-day business, nor any pictures of Anna Kendrick having sex fully clothed. She must be naked and having sex. Mmkay?

“james franco giving blow job”

The man does a lot of things, but that’s one thing he probably doesn’t do. (Probably.)

“michael fassbender gay orgy”

Dream on.

“how many movies has channing tatum nude in”

Never enough!

“naked channing tatum,alex pettyfer and steven soderbergh”

Channing Tatum and Alex Pettyfer? Yep, they were pretty naked in Magic Mike. But was Steven Soderbergh naked while directing it? I don’t think so!

“james deen dick”

It’s probably harder to find pictures of James Deen without his penis visible.

“ix brad pitt still a sex symbol”

Well, it’s not like an official title that they revoke at a certain age. That’s just up to interpretation!

“was heather orourke blood sacrificed”

I don’t think so… um, why do you ask?

“all photos of uma thurman”

That’s a lot of photos.

“every jurassic park pictures”

Enjoy your extensive Google search for every single image of one of the most popular movies of all time!

“the craziest pictures”

Of…?

“train leaving a station 1895″

You must be looking for the 1895 short Arrival Of A Train At La Ciotat, one of the first films ever shown in theaters, which caused its audience to run and flee because they thought the train was real. Train Leaving A Station was the higher-budgeted sequel, which flopped hard in 1903 despite bigger stars and state-of-the-art special effects.

“a kiki is a party”

Well, it was… back in 2012…

“words liberice would say”

The man seemed fairly eloquent, so I imagine there are a lot of words Liberace might say. Care to narrow it down a little?

“the talking in the beginning of lady gagas marry the night”

Also known as “dialogue.”

“what did girl say to the aurochs?”

I don’t know, what did the girl say to the aurochs? Wait, was that not the beginning of a joke?

“britney spears fucked by man”

Which type of man were you hoping for? A Justin Timberlake type, or more of a Kevin Federline?

“britini sphere fucking hard”

Not even close.

“brity spaers fucking pic.com”

Nope!

“britni spars hard fucking”

Still no.

“hard fucking image of britny spears”

One thing I have learned through Google searches of my site? People are really not into soft, gentle fucking images of Britney Spears. Hard only!

“zero dark thirty naked”

You know, that scene where, after killing Osama bin Laden, Jessica Chastain strips naked and takes a nice, long, hot shower? Hmm? Right, no, that didn’t happen.

“argo nude”

What is it about hot-button, Oscar-nominated thrillers set in the Middle East that has everyone so worked up? Are you looking for naked shots of Ben Affleck? Try Gone Girl. If you are looking for naked shots of the Iranian hostages, I cannot help you.

“matt bomer and his naked”

…Emotions? You were attempting to Google “matt bomer and his naked emotions,” am I right?

“anglee fuck photo”

I assume you do not mean Ang Lee, director of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and Life Of Pi.

“hot boobs touching scenes of kristen wiig from bridesmaid”

Are there hot boobs-touching scenes in Bridesmaids? Are they in the deleted scenes? I’ll need to get back to you on this, because I don’t recall.

“different movies of lovers having sex”

Those same old movies of lovers having sex are starting to get old. Let’s have some different ones for a change!

“new best fucking movie”

That best fucking movie from five minutes ago? So over it! So ready for a new best fucking movie, please!

“naked porn sex naked or porn or sex”

Not picky. That’s good.

“any fucking movie for hard”

Any fucking movie. Any fucking movie at all!

“what is best fucking film in 2013″

You are a year late, but here is my best of 2013. Surely that’s what you’re looking for.

“good songs for hard fucking”

If the music is so essential, you are doing it wrong.

“busty blond teacher took off her”

Took off her what? Favorite jacket? The suspense is killing Google!

“girls gooone wildp”

The number of one-handed typers who find my site is simply astonishing.

“white girl afro porn -black”

You seem confused about what you really want.

“white girl juicy come out”

It’s best not to think about any of the things this might mean.

“elisabeth naked”

Which Elisabeth do you mean? No matter how naked she may be, this Elisabeth has a last name and she’d probably prefer that you use it!

“porn stars frontal nudity”

A good way to filter out all those shy, demure porn stars who just won’t do full frontal.

“bare butt whore”

Whores who are shy about their asses being uncovered are the woooorst!

“bare ass boogie”

Is this a new “Macarena”-style dance number I should be on board with? I’m hoping not.

“uncut latin cocks”

This is what happens when you recap a show that has episode titles like “Looking For Uncut.” You find out that a lot of people on Google are also looking for uncut.

“grizzly beer”

Try again.

“sheronstonehard”

I’ve heard of death rattles… was this a death Google?

“learn to off bra panty”

Are you trying to Google how to remove a bra and panties? If you have to Google this, I’m pretty sure you will never have any use for these skills. Sorry!

“what is nude sex”

Thank you for providing your answer in the form of a question, but this is not Jeopardy. How old are you? Go ask your parents.

“dermot mulroney is smoking”

Oooh, I’m gonna tell!

“stranger by the lake cum”

Yes, actually, this movie does have some of that.

“is quentin tarantino a good fuck?”

Probably! Report back with your findings.

“does netflix have lovelace”

You know what might be a better site to search for this? Netflix!

“is lovelace on netflix”

See above.

“lovelace is it on netflx”

Really?

“katniss and finnick having sex”

I’m right there with you, but there are no pictures because it didn’t happen. Team Finnick all the way!

“jennifer lawrence hot in a silver lining playbook”

Make sure to specify that it’s just one singular silver lining playbook. We don’t have time to sift through all those playbooks, people.

“jennifer lawrence wolf of wall street”

You’re either thinking of American Hustle or Margot Robbie. Given the similarities between these characters, I will let this one slide.

“the wolf of wall street sick of waring panties”

A three-hour movie about the financial collapse of America, and this is your takeaway.

“margot robbie no panties”

They didn’t show it in the movie, so what makes you think Googling it will magically come up with some full-frontal Robbie?

“margot robbie legs open”

There we go. You’re welcome.

“wolf of wallstreet: wife with no panties”

The inevitable sequel.

“no country for the old man”

Is that supposed to be the No Country For Old Men prequel?

“deborah kara unger 2014 calendar”

I, too, make sure to get my official Deborah Kara Unger calendar every year.

“raped hard”

For those moments when those a soft and gentle rape just will not do.

“sarah michelle gellar nip”

Regular Buffy perv.

“sarah michelle gellar leather”

Bondage Buffy perv.

“sarah michelle gellar barefoot”

Foot fetish Buffy perv.

“sarah michelle gellar face”

Face perv? Googling “sarah michelle gellar” is going to bring up pictures of her face even without that specification. What did you think, it would just come up with a bunch of images of her elbow?

“sarah michelle gellar oops”

Hmm. Not sure.

“kesha mouth”

Yeah, I’d wager that most pictures of Ke$ha probably include her mouth.

“sela ward hard”

When you find a picture of Sela Ward with a boner, you let me know.

“the avengers not a great plan”

A team of heroes with the most extraordinary powers on Earth? Seems like a decent plan to me!

“what pants did scarlett johansson wear in winter soldier”

I’m pretty sure they just spray-painted her legs black.

“enemy what the fuck”

My thoughts exactly.

“what the hell is enemy about”

See above.

“blueberries meaning enemy”

So it wasn’t just me who picked up on some significance with the blueberries, then?

“enemy movie mother blueberries”

Yeah, maybe the mother has something to do with that, too.

“that movie called enemy with jake in it i didn’t get the ending”

After seeing the way you use Google, it’s obvious that you aren’t the brightest crayon in the box. I’m surprised you can even type. Cool that you and “Jake” are on a first-name basis, though!

“the one i love ending fake sophie bacon”

Ahh, some more food-related confusion about the end of a 2014 doppelganger movie.

“victims in horror movies who didn’t deserve to die”

Here you go!

“blonde girls that survive horror movies”

Has this ever happened?

“horror movies with blonde teens in highschool”

Yeah, you know… that horror movie! Like… with that blonde girl? I think maybe she’s in high school…? Come on, you know the one!

“is the ending of like crazy sad or happy?”

Because there are only two kinds of endings, right? 1) Sad. 2) Happy. There are no gray areas in cinema.

“conflict in before sunset between jesse and celine”

The whole movie is a conflict between Jesse and Celine. That is literally the only thing in the entire movie.

“thesis statement for django unchined”

Why, hello, there, film student who waited until the last possible moment to write his paper!

“main comedy elements of silver lining playbook”

Film student who waited until the last possible moment to write his paper, is that you again?

“zac efron plot twist”

Uh, which Zac Efron movie has a plot twist? 17 Again? High School Musical? Hairspray? Neighbors?

“edward norton’s erection”

How explicit!

“birdman 2014 erection”

Oh, right, Edward Norton’s erection in Birdman.

“birdman is riggan dead at the end”

That is open to interpretation.

“in birdman does riggan lose his nose”

That is not open to interpretation. They very clearly state what happens. He shoots off his nose.

“who can explain the ending of the michael keaton ‘bird man’ movie?”

Nobody! Please stop asking!

“titanic movie scenes”

You know what part of Titanic I really liked? The scenes!

“titanic 1997 ending”

It sinks.

“titanic movie heroine nude sketch hd”

She has a name. It’s Rose, dumbass.

“titanic jack & rose in car”

Subtle. But you really wanted to Google “Jack and Rose fucking,” didn’t you?

“titanic jack and rose not together”

Seventeen years later, still not over it.

“titanic fail”

Yes, sure, you could categorize that whole “hitting an iceberg” thing as a “fail.” An “epic fail,” even.

“dicaprio gives one of the boldest performances in his movie career”

Does he? In what? I’m seriously curious, because you could make an argument for “boldest performance” in just about any one of his movies!

“philip seymour hoffman as j. edgar hoover”

Wrong.

“gone girl mocks media”

Yes! It does! Very astute.

“gone girl don’t fuck with women”

That’s a pretty good way to sum up the theme of the film.

“nicole kidman fucking in dog town”

It’s Dogville, actually — there are only about a dozen people, it’s hardly a whole town. And for the record, she was being subjected to rape, not “fucking.”

“kate winslet c grade rape”

Do rapes get graded now? Who grades them, and what are the criteria? I would think the person being raped would pretty much give out nothing but “F”s, on principle. And why does Kate Winslet get a totally average rape? I feel like a Kate Winslet rape would get either an “A” or an “F,” nothing in between.

“is thomas horn gay”

Kinda seems that way, may be too early to tell.

“is the boy from movie extremely loud and incredibly close okay in real life”

I was wondering this myself, and I seriously doubt it.

“bruce wayne story”

It’s called Batman. 

“in spider man what is the green lizards name”

You gotta love Googlers who phrase things like they’re having an actual conversation. “Pray tell, where might I find the name of that charming lizard chap from the Spider-Man pictures?”

“storm coming up batman”

I guess this is reasonably close to “There’s a storm coming, Mr. Wayne.” This is like a really bad translated version that gives away that he’s Batman.

“women of flash gordon naked porn”

Is this a thing? If this is a thing, I don’t want to know about it.

“redhead teen stepchild porn”

I’m not sure “redheaded stepchild” is meant to be a sexy term. Usually it’s pejorative.

“raped with sex machines”

Weird.

“nude sexual enjoyment”

Not to be confused with clothed sexual enjoyment, or various forms of nude enjoyment that are decidedly not sexual, or nude sexual misery.

“men grabbing each others crotch”

So you’re looking for PG-rated porn, then? Ohhhkay…

“verry hard & best fuck”

When non-English-speaking people try to Google in English.

“the most fuking movi film”

There are lots of very fucking movie-films, but which is the most fucking movie-film of them all?

“sex in motion”

Not a necrophiliac. That’s good!

“cleavage body swap”

Uh-oh, sounds like they’re running out of body swap ideas in Hollywood. Is this like Freaky Friday, except instead of a full body switch, Lindsay Lohan has Jamie Lee Curtis’ breasts and Jamie Lee Curtis has Lindsay Lohan’s breasts?

“oops i did it again schoolgirl”

Wrong Britney video, asshole.

“britney spears oops not again dance”

If you are gay, why don’t you know that Britney Spears did not record a song called “Oops, Not Again!” The proper title is “Oops I Did It Again.” And if you are not gay, why are you Googling Britney Spears dances?

“witch scratching”

What’s this?

“teen screams its to hard”

Hmm. Nope. Not going to go there.

“naughty america hot”

Does the Statue of Liberty have nudes?

“the best of oriental volume 2 fucking”

Good thing they added the “fucking,” because I was thinking we meant Oriental rugs. It’s also probably time to change this series to “best of Asian volume 2 fucking,” right? I mean, it’s 2015.

“fucking moviefullynaked”

I seriously don’t understand all the searches for “fully naked.” Is it really that hard to find fucking movies with nudity? How often have you seen a sex scene and thought, “Man, this would be really hot, if only she wasn’t wearing that fedora…”

“tree of life movie”

Good thing you specified Tree Of Life the movie. Otherwise your search might’ve taken you to Tree Of Life: The Ride.

“movies on netflix with male frontal”

Perhaps that $7.99 per month would best be spent on some other website subscription…

“hot blonde girls that play in movies”

There may be one or two of these in Hollywood.

“naked naked sex”

When naked sex just won’t do. This sex needs to be naked naked.

“les miserables sex”

You know what porn needs more of? Women selling their teeth and hair before they do it! I mean, if you are jacking off to Les Miserables, then I don’t know what to tell you.

“twister film sex”

Now you’re trying to masturbate to Twister? Is it Helen Hunt, Bill Paxton, or the flying cow that got you going? There is nothing even close to sex in Twister. Nothing!

“the awkward pictures of beyonce”

She will cut you.

“movie about people with doubles when comet passes”

It’s called Coherence. You’re welcome!

“love.crack.smoking”

So do many of the people who find my website. Is that why you put periods in between words in Google?

“sexy fuck me dude”

Don’t just fuck me, dude. Sexy fuck me.

“find magic mike”

This is actually a good idea for a sexier version of “Where’s Waldo?”

“margaret thatcher deficiencies”

You mean the woman, or the biopic The Iron Lady? Either way, yes, tons of deficiencies.

“hitler studio”

It’s time to rename that studio.

“ryan phillippe scream”

Ryan Philippe was I Know What You Did Last Summer, not Scream.

“hate ny want to move to california”

We’ve all been there, everybody’s doing it!

“bad ass christmas song”

Here you go.

“i am bad here”

I’d rather you be bad wherever you are then bad here.

“daddy knocked me out to fuck me hard sex films”

Ah, my favorite shelf at any video store! A truly underrated genre.

“horny and lust for real true sibling”

Turn on your privacy settings.

“hot naked harmless rape”

Much like “fun, consequence-free manslaughter” or “frivolous, mutually beneficial burglary,” this is not really a thing.

“i hate jake gyllenhaal”

I’m sorry you feel that way.

“george c scott was difficult”

Still holding that grudge, eh?

“pl travers was a bitch”

Agreed. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one with that takeaway from Saving Mr. Banks.

“was p.l. travers a bitch?”

Yes.

“was p l travers really a bitch”

Yes!

“why was p l travers such a bitch”

There is literally an entire movie devoted to this question, and yet it seems this person Googled this after watching it rather than before.

“pl travers was acted like a bitch”

Yeah, we covered this, except with better English.

“i dont like rihanna becuase she like hitler”

Because she’s like Hitler? Or because she likes Hitler? Either way, this is news to me, and it’s not good.

“rihanna fucked hard and crying seriously”

No crocodile tears during sex, RiRi. We want real tears.

“sister is horny on christmas day to fuck brother and dad on film”

Ho, ho, ho! Nothing says “happy holidays” like a whole lotta incest!

“fucking birthday cakes”

A strange fetish I don’t care to learn more about.

“fuck cake”

I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.

“toaster strudel boy looks like kerstin dundts”

You couldn’t have spelled Kirsten Dunst’s name any more phonetically. Anyway, I had no idea who this was, but when I Googled this myself, I discovered that it’s actually true:

‘Til next time, Google.

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